tranquilizer.

hey!

2006-01-29T06:12:00.000-08:00

[so, just in case lang na naguguluhan kayo] I'm officially informing the entire blogosphere that I have a total of 4 blogs by now including this one. le-stripped: the one thing that keeps me sane ( - nga ba?). talusira: imabakan (sana) ng mga kachervahan pero half-dead na siya so far. mushroommy: my new ever media blog (bow). bisi-bisitahin nyo na lang sila paminsan-minsan. =)

c'mon it's survey time!

2006-01-27T18:22:00.000-08:00

okay. actually I've already been tagged by dear Rachel before (a month, maybe) but since I was in the edge of pag-eemote at that time, I ignored the same test instead. Sorry ha sis. Pero since I've been tagged again (by Erik), siguro dapat ko ng pagbigyan itech. okay (favorite word?). i've got no gender preferences people. so game. i prefer (i prefer, which means i do not require) my partner to be: 1. open-minded. maraming alam (basta sensible na mga bagay) at mas maraming gustong malaman pa. at more than willing na i-share yun sa iba. 2. (related sa no. 1) dahil sobrang hindi ako makakatagal ng nakikipagtitigan lang, gusto ko masarap kausap - which means, marunong tum-iming kung kelan magsasalita at kung kelan tatahimik at makikinig. 3. alam kung sino siya, ano'ng pinahahalagahan niya at ano'ng gusto niya at hindi padadala sa sinasabi ng iba. kung hindi man sigurado, okey lang basta ba nag-effort siyang madiscover ang mga bagay na yon. 4. a NOW person - just like me. 5. compassionate. 6. passionate. it doesn't matter kung saan (wag lang sa mga you know na bagay) 7. in-touched with his/her emotions. and at the same time know how to express those emotions (in a suitable manner). yung tipong hindi nahihiyang umiyak, tumawa, sumigaw o maglambing. 8. child-like (not childish) . yung madaling maka-appreciate ng kahit sobrang liliit na mga bagay. walang masyadong pakialam sa konsepto ng oras. madaling magpatawad. enthusiastic. hindi maarte. hindi materialistic. o sige i'm tagging everybody. (haha tamad tamad) hindi naman ako na-tag dito. ninenok ko lang to sa blog ng kung sino. hehe. three names you go by: 1. daena 2. deng 3. dens ano ba magkakapareho naman eh. three physical things you like about yourself: 1. eyes 2. shoulders 3. hair (medyo kulot, makapal tapos nangangailangan na ng hot-oil) three physical things you don't like about yourself: 1. pimples (!!!) 2. feet 3. ears (sobrang hindi pantay) three parts of your heritage: 1. filipino 2. spanish 3. chinese three things that scare you: 1. to lose faith - in myself and in everything 2. heights 3. to be numb (in all aspects) three of your everyday essentials: 1. a new lesson in life 2. music 3. solitude three of your favorite musical artists: pwedeng band? hehe. 1. goo goo dolls 2. e-heads 3. savage garden three of your favorite songs: 1. iris - goo goo dolls 2. black balloon - goo goo dolls 3. big machine - goo goo dolls hindi nila ko fan eh. sorry naman. three things you want in a relationship: 1. passion (hot sizzling passion. bwahaha!) 2. respect 3. sincerity three lies and truths in no particular order: lies: 1. i'm always playing hard-to-get 2. i always know what i want and what has to be done 3. i'm boring and suplada truth: 1. i have plans of dominating the world. 2. i would do anything just to travel the world. (hindi ako obsessed sa world noh?) 3. i am so so so so soooo blessed. three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you: 1. skin color (tan) 2. eyes 3. bearing (o pwede ba yun?) three of your favorite hobbies: 1. writing (anything) 2. living 3. learning three things you want to do really badly now: 1.travel 2. escape (?) 3. eat eat eat three careers you're considering/you've considered: 1. photography 2. web designing 3. writing actually, these three are more of a passion than career plans for me three places you want to go on vacation: 1. greece 2. france 3. egypt three kid's names you like: 1. jemeriz 2. jezrel 3. kaia three things you want to do before you die: 1. love truly,madly,deeply (thanks to savage garden =b) 2. give unconditionally 3. live (and not just exist) three ways that you are stereotypically a boy: 1. ambivalent towards girls 2. i do not like the idea of commitment 3. i'm such a huge bum (!) three ways that you are stereotypically a girl: 1. i love pink (yeah) 2. mahilig sa gwapo 3. mahilig mag-moment (?!) three celeb crushes: 1. ryan philippe (!!!) 2. ashton kutcher 3. kate beckinsale the end.

yoohoo.

2006-01-10T05:16:00.000-08:00

i have a new blog: le-stripped

yey.

2006-01-02T23:25:00.000-08:00

dear elainey tagged me. so...here it is. List seven songs that you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, they must be songs that you’re really enjoying right now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they are listening to. 1. Lihim - Orange and Lemons (super favorite!!!) 2. Stick Wit' Ya - Pussycat Dolls 3. Don't Forget About Us - Mariah Carey 4. September - Earth, Wind and Fire (alam ko lumang luma na siya) 5. The Ghost of You - My Chemical Romance

since the new year is here. . .

2005-12-28T00:18:00.000-08:00

here's a survey that I got from Ms. Ala's blog

What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? mag-pretend na sumasayaw (or should I say nagwawala?)sa disco sa harap ng camera (as in videocam). Sumakay ng (at magmukhang tanga dahil nga first time) MRT. Masaksihan ang epekto pag nag-strike ang mga jeep. Makipag-friends sa isang pure japanese girl na mas magaling pang mag-tagalog sa’ken. Sumulat ng isang eksena na screenplay type. Mag-blog ng seryoso. Gumawa ng tula ng seryoso. Magpakulot (syempre ng buhok). Mag-contact lens. Umupo sa hagdanan sa may pinto ng bus dahil puno na at desperado na kong makasakay. Magka-crush sa isang babae dahil magaling siyang magsulat at mag-piktyur-piktyur. Umalis ng bahay ng naka-shorts (as in shorts).

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I did not (as always). But I did make an UN-new year’s day resolution. And yeah, i can make one anytime! (hehe)

Did anyone close to you give birth? May. She’s the same age as me.

Did anyone close to you die? Fortunately, none.

What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? Unbeatable confidence.

What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Well, I’m not really good in remembering dates. Pero siguro April 8 (tama ba? O kita mo na sabi ko i’m not good in dates eh). Basta it’s Joie’s debut in a resort somewhere in Binan. Memorable siya kase yun yung last time na nakita ko ulit at nakausap si Reina, Yas at Wendy.

What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting to know myself better. As in in a deeper level. At syempre, being happy with myself.

What was your biggest failure? Not being able to appreciate life for the longest time.

Did you suffer illness or injury? Yung nagkasugat ako sa cornea at syempre the ultimate trangkaso.

What was the best thing you bought? My glittered bohemian bag! Whose behavior merited celebration? My dearest Bambina. She’s always been tough even without us to back her up. Where did most of your money go? Pamasahe. T_T What did you get really, really, really excited about? Matuto ng photography (!!!). What song(s) will always remind you of 2005? You’re Beautiful by: (sino nga ba?) Black Balloon by: Goo Goo Dolls (although luma na siya)

Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? – mature enough to just keep quiet and contemplate first before answering. ii. thinner or fatter? – Fatter (di naman talaga. Feeling ko lang) iii. richer or poorer? -- Richer.

What do you wish you'd done more? writing more Tagalog poems. Bonding with friends. What do you wish you'd done less of? Feeling sorry for myself. Being too much sentimental. What was your favorite TV program? Going Bulilits. Da best. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? my lovesick psyche.

What was the best book you read? Trip to Quiapo by Ricky Lee. At obviously isa siyang scriptwriting manual.

What was your greatest musical discovery? Robbie Williams. Michael Buble. Enya. Orange and Lemons. Lifehouse. Black Eyed Peas.

What did you want and get? A photography course. The opportunity (?) to ride a tricycle, a bus, a train and a jeepney EVERYDAY. A writing course. More independent (and stressful life). A curly hair.

What was your favorite film of this year? Crash. Although pirata version.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 18 this year. I just invited my friends and relatives to come over to our house. Konting chibog. Alak. Kodakan. Kwentuhan at tawanan. Regalo at magagandang wrapper. At syempre magdamagang kantahan sa the ultimate videoke.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More kwentuhan sa magdamag. (ngek pang-porno ang dating)

What kept you sane? Writing. Praying. Family. Friends. (esp. HS friends and a few TRUE college friends)

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Kelly Clarkson. I just love her songs and her music videos. = b What political issue stirred you the most? Ang hirap namang mamili!

Who did you miss? HS friends. UPLB friends (esp. dorm mates and lalo na my room mate). Si papa___tutut. (wehehehe)

Who was the best new person you met? Si Peter (unang friend ko at super classmate sa DIliman). Mam Iris (prof ko sa broadcomm 100). Si Love (yung nakatabi ko sa pila ng bayaran nung enrolment). Mam Shirley (ang buntis na sub-prof sa comm 100). Mam Libay (prof ko sa dalawang film subjects).

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: 1. Only you, yourself can tell what makes you really happy. 2. Nakikinig ang universe sa anumang binubulong ng puso mo at tutulungan ka niyang magkatotoo kung anumang pinaniniwalaan mo (sabi ni Mam Libay sa’ken nung first day of classes sa scriptwriting). 3. Laugh and the whole world laughs at you, cry and you cry alone 4. Someday you will see, you’ll also be invincible (Erik, ikaw ang nagsabi niyan saken dati, remember?). 5. You don’t need many friends, only those who will stay true to you.

What was the nicest thing someone told you about yourself:

Big potential ha. (remember?) Ako daw yun. May big potential sa pagsusulat sabi ng prof ko sa scriptwriting. (flattered naman ang lola mo)

Isn’t she something? (guess who said this.)

Sana kung ikaw lang ang ang kasama ko eh di sana. . .

Siya pa rin talaga (ako pa rin daw...ang?..secret... = b)

the most touching experience you've had this year? Kahapon lang. Walang kamatayang kwentuhan at kainan ng junk foods at home-made spaghetti sa bahay nila Joie. Ako, siy at si Armel. From 3 pm – 12 midnight. One of the best (and one of the deepest and most honest) kwentuhan session I’ve ever had. = )

What did you like most about yourself this year? My unbeatable surviving abilities (?!) amidst the cold solitude (yuck. pweh!).

What did you hate most about yourself this year? Self-doubt.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: And there’s no time left for losing, when you stand they fall (...yeah). Black Balloon by Goo Goo Dolls.

Was 2005 a good year for you? ABSOLUTELY (despite of it all).

What was your favorite moment of the year? The ever satisying kwentuhan (+ inuman kung minsan) sessions with friends. Siesta time sa kwarto ng napakagwapo kong baby na utol. Hugs and kisses session every morning with DJ also, my baby bro. Solitary shopping window shopping at Glorietta.

What was your least favorite moment of the year? Depression mode. Senti mode. Butas-bulsa mode.

Where were you when 2005 began? Sa terrace ng bahay namen (sa san pedro, laguna). Lumuluwa ang mata sa mga fireworks ng kapibtbahay at nabibingi sa tugtog ng Incubus.

Who were you with? My family.

Where will you be when 2005 ends? At home din. malamang magkakastiff-neck na naman sa pagtingala sa mga fireworks.

Who will you be with when 2005 ends? Family den.

Do you have a new year’s resolution for 2006? YES. Share ko na lang sa susunod.

What was your favorite month of 2005? April (syempre bakasyon at debut galore), September, December

Did you miss anybody in the past year? Yes. Marami sila.

What was your favorite record from 2005? Monkey Business – B.E.P Strike Whilst the Iron is Hot – O & L

How many concerts did you see in 2005? kasama ba yung konsert-konsert-an? Did you drink a lot of alchohol in 2005? Ugh. Mga 5 times lang.

do a lot of drugs in 2005? only those prescribed by the doctor (uy safe! hehe)

you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Marame!!!

How much money did you spend in 2005? I don’t want to know. Depressing yan para sa nanay at tatay ko.

What was your proudest moment of 2005? Nung maka-flat ONE ako sa first ever script kong isinulat.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005? Habulin ang pareho kong tsinelas sa kalsada na naanod ng baha. Which means naka-yapak ako all the way habang pinapanood ako ng mga taong hindi man lang ako magawang tulungan dahil natutuwa sila saken.

If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be? I would want to force my self to the fullest of my abilities. Itodo lahaaat.

What are your plans for 2006? Mag-ipon para sa thesis ko. Ayusin ang mga relationships ko. Maging totoong palaban sa lahat ng bagay (basta nasa lugar). Maging chancellor’s (or Dean’s) lister. At marami pang iba...

How are you different now that the year has ended? I’m happier with my self.

What are your wishes for the new year? I wish I could give more love to everything/everybody.

sabi daw ng kamay ko.

2005-12-27T22:29:00.000-08:00

You like to be surrounded by four solid walls. You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones. You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present. You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody! You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others. (well,oo nga. ako nga yata yan.) btw, napulot ko to sa site ni NINA. = )

spa ces.

2005-12-26T05:29:00.000-08:00

one missed call. that's all you can give me. just a few seconds of exercise for your idle fingers. that's all you can do to let me know that you're still there. just there after two years of hopeless hopes. only on the other line. it's true, you are never too far. only radiowaves and a few peso load separate us. nothing much, really. the truth is, you're even closer to me now than before when you were still sitting next to me.

************************

yeah, you're just on the other line. I can make you mine if I want to. but hell, even just the thought of saying your name again after 5 years paralyzes me so well.

2005-12-26T05:05:00.000-08:00

hey you! may you have a sizzling (?) Christmas (alam ko late na ng isang araw, pero..) and a rocking new year ahead of you!!!

hindi libre ang mangarap kaya may isang batang nagmumukmok.

2005-12-23T05:54:00.000-08:00

Nako. Malapit na nga ang pasko. Hindi na papipigil. Kanina nga lang sinama ako ni mama na “mag-shopping” sa festival. Nagpapapalit lang siya ng 100 dollars. Nakabili naman kame ng 4 na t-shirt. Para sa dalawa kong utol, sa kanya at saken. P800 worth ng gift cheque ang gamit namin. Actually, regalo yun ng kaibigan ni nanay (lola ko) kay DJ (bunso kong kapatid). Pero dahil bulinggit pa nga yung kapatid ko (3 yrs old) wala namang damit na mabibili para sa kanya since sa RRJ yung gift cheque.

Medyo siksikan din kasi syempre sale. Kanya-kanyang halungkat sa mga tumpok-tumpok na damit na iisa lang naman ang size. Ang jojologs pa ng design. Maswerte ka na kung may magustuhan ka.

Pinilit lang ako ni mama na pumili ng t-shirt para sa sarili ko. Sayang naman daw kasi yung cheke. Wala talaga kong nagustuhan pero pumili na rin ako. Pampadagdag din yun sa mga damit ko.

Tinanong ako ni mama “ano bang bibilin mo?”

As usual nung una sabi ko “wala”

Tapos nung sumunod, sabi ko na “yung pantalong sinabi ko sayo. Yung gusto ko”

Ang tinutukoy ko eh yung di-taling pantalon na maganda ang tela na nakita ko sa tiangge sa UP Diliman. Yon. Ganon yung gusto ko. Sabi niya may nakita na rin daw siyang ganun sa mall.

Eh di hanap naman kame. Ginalugad namin lahat ng tindahan. May nakita kami pero malalaki yung size tapos isang size lang kase sabi nung tindera di-garter naman daw. Malas ko lang kasi seksi ako (hehe) kaya maluwag saken lahat. Kung hindi naman maluwag eh baduy naman (sa tingin ko) dahil may mga sulat ng intsik at kung anu2 pa. Eh ayoko nun. Yung iba naman pangit yung tela. It’s either manipis o magaspang o matigas. Wala nung tulad ng nakita ko. Wala nung tulad ng gusto ko.

Tapos nun naghanap ulit ako. Sabi ni mama puntahan ko na lang daw siya dun sa household section. Eh di naghanap naman ako kahit na alam kong hopeless na talaga. At pag punta ko sa kanya nakasimangot na ko.

Sabi niya “oh ano, wala?”

Umiling lang ako.

“kawawa ka naman.”

“dapat kasi binili mo na yung nakita mo. Dapat humingi ka na ng pera”

Tapos tuloy na ulit ang pamimili niya ng mga regalo para sa kung sino-sino.

Ano? Paano naman ako hihingi ng pera eh walang araw na dumaan na hindi nila sinabi na wala kaming pera? Hindi na nga ako nakapunta sa Oblation run at Lantern Parade kasi wala na kong baon. Sabi kasi nila wala ngang pera kaya hindi ko na sinubukang manghingi ng pera. Hindi ko naman kasi kaya yung ginagawa ng utol ko na hingi ng hingi ng pera kahit na halatang halata na niya na wala ngang pera. Ni pamasahe nga sa tricycle hindi ako makahingi, pambili pa kaya ng pantalon?

Kung iisipin nyo, pantalon lang yun. Oo pantalon lang yon. Pantalon lang yon pero nagkakaganito na ko. Pero hinde, higit pa yun sa inaakala nyo. Minsan ko lang makuha kung ano ang talagang gusto ko. As in minsan lang. Bihira. At minsan lang ako makatagpo ng bagay (o tao) na talagang gusto ko kaya masakit saken pag hindi ko nakukuha yon. Kasi hindi naman ako palaging humihiling. Minsan lang talaga. Minsan lang ako humiling ng para sa sarili ko.

Wala naman akong sinisisi dahil sa wala kaming pera. Mahirap lang talaga ang buhay at lalo pang humirap dahil natigil sa pagtatrabaho si papa. Na-cancel yung kontrata nila sa Canada kaya biglang uwi siya dito. At saka ibibili naman talaga ako kung nakita ko lang yung gusto ko. O kaya naman, mabibili ko naman talaga yung gusto ko nung unang beses na makita ko un sa tiangge sa UPD kung may pera lang sana ako nung araw na yun. Kaso nga ni pambili ng iced tea na tiglilimang piso eh wala ako eh. Poverty talaga.

Masyado lang talaga kong nabo-broken-hearted kapag dumadating yung mga pagkakataong tulad nito. Gusto kong mainis pero wala naman akong masisi. Wala akong maaway. Kasi gaya nga ng sinabi ko, minsan lang ako makakita ng bagay o taong gustung-gusto ko – tapos madalas, hindi pa napapasaken. Minsan na nga lang ako humiling. Hindi naman ako madamot. Tsaka alam ko namang deserve ko kung anumang hinihiling ko. Pero bakit ganon?

Tama ka Michael. Hindi nga libre ang mangarap.

The Household Virgin.

2005-12-22T05:31:00.000-08:00

Ooops! Hindi na masyado! Hehehe.

I know most of you will laugh at me if I say that it is my first time to wash my clothes. Pero yun nga nga, no matter how embarrassing it is, it is my first time to wash my clothes (pero kasama na rin dun yung mga punda at bedsheet ^_^). Although I was only able to do the entire task with the help of the super reliable washing machine, still it was one shot of an accomplishment for me.

My parents never obliged us to do household stuffs until now that we are old enough to do so. I can still remember how my mom told tatay (ung tatay niya which means lolo ko) “eh trabaho ko yun eh” once when they were having a heated argument about us (kaming magkakapatid) not helping in the house at all. The truth is if my parents weren’t able to buy a new washing machine (the old one was wiped out by the floods a few years ago) for sure they wouldn’t let me wash even just my own clothes.

I must admit, I didn’t like doing household chores before (I repeat: before). I could go gaga over other things like carpentry (hindi naman talaga pero mas gusto ko pa to dati kesa magwalis o magpunas ng mga kabinet), running errands, loads of home works but never over washing the clothes or scrubbing the floor. But as I grew old, I began to realize the essence of being able to really rule the house. I mean, time doesn’t move any slower and I’m not getting any younger. Sooner or later, I will have to leave home and start a life by myself. In just a few years or more, I know (I hope) I’ll also be settling down and start having my own happy family. Of course, I wouldn’t want my kids to vomit to death just because their stomachs have gone crazy over fast food craps. I also cannot take to live in a rotten house, full of roaches, ants and monstrous mice (yak yak yak!).

But seriously speaking, I feel so ashamed of myself. Like hello? I’m already living in this planet for almost 19 years and yet I can’t still even enumerate the steps in cooking sinigang na baboy (!!!). I mean, yes I hate it. I hate myself for being this ignorant and useless. I really hate to say this but I somehow blame my parents for this horrible becoming in my life. If they only taught us (damay na pati mga utol ko) how to be independent at home, if they only taught us to be responsible inside the house, then maybe we would be better persons now. Maybe we wouldn’t look like terrible sloths who don’t know anything but to sit in the couch, watch T.V for years and eat eat eat. Maybe mama wouldn’t be that burdened for so many years.

However, looking on the bright side at least I’ve finally started stepping a bit further. Since I already know how to wash my clothes (or should I say, how to operate the washing machine), I think I will now then proceed to the next task which is – how to cook perfect (as in perfect ha?) meals. Then after that would be how to iron clothes, how to clean the bathroom, how to bathe the doggies, how to decorate the garden and so on. When I am this serious, I know it wouldn’t be long ‘til I cannot finally call myself - A Household Virgin.

(shocks Lord, tulungan mo po ko...)

buntung-hininga muna.

2005-12-22T04:23:00.000-08:00

Minsan pag pinagmamasdan ko si mama habang tuliro siya sa dami ng gagawin sa bahay o kaya habang naninigarilyo siya sa garahe gusto ko siyang tanungin kung masaya ba talaga siya.

Alam ko, hindi biro ang buhay na pinagdaanan – at pinagdadaanan niya. Hindi siya nakatapos ng college dahil nabuntis na siya (at ako yon). Napilitan siyang pasukin ang kahit anong trabahong kaya niya. Napilitan siyang pasukin ang buhay na hindi pa niya napaghahandaan. Alam ko, napakalaki rin ng hirap niya sa pagpapanatiling matibay ng relasyon nila ni papa. Halos araw-araw noon kung mag-beerhouse yon. Madalas silang mag-away. Minsan nga lumayas pa si mama at umuwi muna sa nanay niya. Iniwan niya kami sa bahay kasama si papa. Mga ilang araw din kaming nagtiis ng mas bata kong kapatid na lalake sa pritong itlog at tuyo pati sa tutong na kanin. At dahil ako ang panganay at unica iha, madalas na utusan ako ni mama na ako na lang ang mag-sermon kay papa dahil saken lang daw yun makikinig. Ginagawa ko naman syempre at tuwing ginagawa ko yun, palagi siyang umiiyak.

Nakita ko kung paano rin magbago ang itsura ni mama. Kung paanong unti-unting nalagas ang mga ngipin niya, kung paano siya napilitang ipagupit ang dati niyang mahaba at kulot na buhok, kung paano mabahiran ng napakapangit na peklat ang biniyak niyang tiyan (caesarean kase), kung paano unti-unting mabalutan ng varicose veins ang dati niyang flawless na mga binti at kung paano unti-unting napalitan ng mga bilbil ang dating maliit niyang beywang. Nakita ko kung paano na unti-unting nawala sa uso ang mga sinusuot niya. Kung paano unti-unting inamag ang make-up niya.

Dumaan ang maraming taon na kami na ang buhay niya. Sa amin na umiikot ang mundo niya. Hindi ko naman talaga alam kung ano ang mga pangarap niya sa buhay pero siguro marami doon ang hindi na niya natupad dahil sa amin. Palagi ko tuloy iniisip kung masaya ba talaga siya sa kinahantungan ng buhay niya. Isang housewife na naga-abroad ang asawa at minsan lang sa isang taon niya makasama, may apat na anak na ngayon eh ang tatlo doon eh mas madalas pang wala sa bahay. Hindi naman sa sinasabi kong imposibleng maging masaya ang isang babae sa pagiging asawa at ina. Naiisip ko lang kase na marami pa siyang gustong gawin sa buhay niya na hindi na niya nagawa dahil nga sa responsibilidad niya sa pamilya niya.

Sa loob ng maraming taon, walis, mop, sabon, basahan ang kaharap niya sa araw-araw. Maglinis ng bahay, magluto, maglaba, mamomrebla sa budget, magsermon sa mga anak niyang hindi marunong makinig, mag-alala sa mga anak niyang hindi nagpapaalam kung saan pupunta at ginagabi ng uwi, mag-alaga sa mga anak niya tuwing may sakit ang mga ito ang palagi niyang ginagawa. Marami sana siyang issues sa sarili niya pero kinakalimutan na lang niya ang mga iyon dahil pa rin sa mga anak niya, sa asawa niya. Tanging social life na lang niya ang makausap sa telepono ang bestfriend niyang taga-Antipolo pa. Masaya na siya kung minsan eh magkasabay-sabay kaming mag-hapunan. Pinakamasaya pa kung sabay-sabay kaming makapanood ng tv pagkatapos kumain.

Palagi ko tuloy naiisip kung hindi ba siya nagsasawa sa takbo ng buhay niya. Masaya kaya talaga siya? Masayahin kasi siya talagang tao kaya mahirap masabi. Palagi siyang nagbibiro, tumatawa, nagkukuwento, kumakanta, sumasayaw. Kaya minsan kapag hindi siya hyper, o kaya pag nakaupo lang siya sa isang tabi naiisip ko kung masaya ba talaga siya. Alam ko napapagod na rin siya.

Ngayon nga inaasikaso niya yung mga requirements para sa pag-aabroad niya kasama ng bestfriend niya. Magke-care-giver daw sila sa U.K. Kailangan daw niyang gawin yun para makaipon.Noong una yokong pumayag (kahit na wala naman talaga akong magagawa). Hindi kasi ako sanay kapag wala siya. Patay ang bahay kapag wala siya. At saka siya at si DJ (yung bunso kong kapatid) lang ang nakakapag-pa-excite sakeng umuwi agad araw-araw. Madali ko siyang mamiss. Hindi ako palagay kapag wala siya kaya ayoko sana siyang umalis.

Pero napag-isip-isip ko rin na dapat na kong pumayag. Na hindi tama na pigilan ko siya. Sa loob ng mahabang panahon, ngayon lang dumating yung pagkakataon na para lang sa kanya. Pupunta siya sa UK para magtrabaho. Para kumita ng perang pinagpaguran niya. Para gastahin ang perang sa kanya lang talaga. Gusto talaga niyang umalis hindi lang dahil sa pera. Alam kong may higit pa siyang dahilan. Gusto niyang umalis dahil gusto niyang makapag-isa. Ma-enjoy ang sarili niya. Mapasaya naman ang sarili niya. Alam ko matagal na niyang gustong gawin to pero hindi niya magawa dahil samin ng mga kapatid ko. Pero ngayong malalaki na kami, ngayon lang niya magagawa.

Ang totoo marami siyang pangarap. Gusto niya ngang mag-aral ulit eh. At ang totoo, marami siyang kayang gawin. Matalino siya, Maabilidad. Pero dahil kaming pamilya niya ang pinriority niya, kinalimutan muna niya ang iba sa mga pangarap niya.

At ang totoo marami akong pangarap para sa kanya, sa kanilang dalawa ni papa. Pag nakatapos na ako at nakapagtrabaho na, papag-aralin ko siya. Kahit ano’ng gusto niya. Gagawin ko talaga siyang reyna. Ipapag-shopping ko siya. Bibilhan ko siya ng magandang-magandang cellphone (kase ba naman lahat kami colored ang cellphone tapos siya 3310). Ipapasyal ko siya sa lahat ng mga lugar na gusto niyang puntahan. Tutuparin ko yung pangarap niya na maging foster parent tuwing pasko. Bibigyan ko siya ng pera para maging Santa Claus na siya ulet. Bibilhan ko siya ng maraming-maraming cake at chocolate (pareho naming favorite). Bibihan ko siya ng maraming bags at sapatos (pareho ulet naming favorite). Bibilhan ko siya ng the ultimate magic sing (tenen!) para pwede na siyang mag-concert anytime. Ipagtatayo ko sila ng business ni papa para pag tanda nila na makapagkukuhanan pa rin sila ng income at saka para may pagkakaabalahan pa rin sila. At syempre higit sa lahat, kahit na ano pang mangyari saken, kahit magkaroon na ko ng sarili kong pamilya o hinde , hindi ko sila pababayaan. Aalagaan ko sila.

Pero ngayon, habang nababagabag pa rin ako kung masaya nga ba talaga si mama, sa tingin ko gagawin ko na lang lahat para maging mabuting anak at kaibigan sa kanya para kahit paano mapasaya ko nga siya at mapasalamatan din.

1-2-3 emote!!!

2005-12-21T00:29:00.000-08:00

haynako. nag-eemote kame sa pic. hahaha. I just want the entire blogsphere to meet one of bestest best friends - (tentenenen!) Michael. Well, let's just say na nag-sesenti ako. Nagsesenti talaga ko. How can't I eh may hang-over pa ko ng "party" nameng dalawa kagabi? Haynako tuwing kasama ko 'tong kumag na 'to eh feeling ko nasa neverneverland ako (thanks pareng erik for reminding me of that place). Never kaming naubusan ng mapag-uusapan at ng mapag-tatawanan! hehehe. Kagabi lang eh kung san-san na napunta ang usapan namen. From King Kong, to mga kabaduyan in HS, past love lives, sexual stuffs (!!!), films, Truth and Reality (?), mga pangarap sa buhay (yung plano naming gumawa ng documentary, magtayo ng art gallery, at maging artist at mukhang artist forever), yung tungkol dun sa hindi niya pagsali sa dance org dahil ayaw niyang maghubad,yung mga munting bagay na natututunan namen, kung gaano ko kasama (?!), yung mga kabaliwang gusto kong gawin, yung mga ka-cheap-ang gusto naming gawin (???) at maraming-maraming-marami pang iba. Naalala ko tuloy yung sinabi niya : Sa college mo lang malalaman yung worth ng barkada. Tama nga. Ngayon, obviously kanya-kanya na kami ng buhay. Madalang ng magkasama. May kanya-kanya na ring set of friends sa kung saan. Pero totoo nga, yung mga matuturing mong true friends ay yung mga taong kahit hindi mo nakikita,nakakasama o nakakausap eh hindi pa rin nagbabago at naniniwala pa rin sa friendship nyo. Yung mga taong hindi talaga umaalis. Hindi talaga bumibitaw. Marami na kaming napagdaanan nitong kumag na 'to. First year HS nung nagkakilala kame pero mas malalim pa yung friendship namen kesa dun sa mga mas matagal ko ng mga kaibigan. Ang nakakatuwa pa, kapag magkasama kame (at ganundin yung iba ko pang mga best friends) eh parang walang nag-eexist na problema sa mundo. Parang wala kaming konsepto ng oras. Parang hindi kami mamamatay. Feeling ko kaya kong gawin kahit ano at magiging maayos pa rin ang lahat. Sa tingin ko malalaman mo na talagang true friends mo yung kasama mo kapag nagiging mas mabuting tao ka. Kapag tinutulungan ka nilang maabot yung mga pangarap mo at suportahan ka to death basta alam nilang makakabuti yon para sa'yo. Mga totoong kaibigan lang din ang kayang ipahanap sayo ang mga sagot na matagal mo ng hinahanap na hindi mo alam eh nasa sarili mo lang din pala. Ngayon, sa dami ng taong nakakasalamuha ko araw-araw, sa dami ng mga mukhang hindi ko sigurado kung nagpapakita ba talaga ng tunay nilang anyo, sa dami ng aninong umaali-aligid sa'kin sobrang masaya ako at grateful sa pagkakaroon ng mga kaibigang meron ako ngayon. Mahal ko ang tropang wheew. Whoooo!!!Amen. At sobrang gusto ko lang ding mag-thank you sa'yo Mike (though alam kong hindi mo binibisita tong blog ko) dahil hindi ka bumibitaw. Thank you sa lahat - lahaaaat. Thank you sa pagdalaw-dalaw mo saken paminsan-minsan sa bahay. Sa mga kwentuhan habang umiinom at kumakain ng..?). Sa mga thoughts mo na kahit gaano ka-private eh shine-share mo saken. Thank you sa pagiging honest saken palage. Sa kung gaano ko kasama (?), sa pagtatanong kung bisexual ba ko, sa pagsasabing naaalala mo ko pag nakikita mo si rachelle ann go, sa pagsasabi na nerd ako at higit sa lahat sa pagsasabing maganda nga ako pero wala naman akong boyfriend. Wala ng a-honest pa sayo. (pero i love the Maganda part ha.hehe). Kaya sobrang thank you. Salamat. Salamat. Ayalbyu poreber!!!

ay nagugulohan akech!

2005-12-18T23:49:00.000-08:00

paano kung hindi ka sigurado dun sa gagawin mo o dun sa papasukin mo pero "kailangan" mo siyang gawin? ano'ng gagawin mo?

randomly.

2005-12-18T22:05:00.000-08:00

Regrets before the break.

01. I wasn’t able to witness the Oblation RUn in UPD. ASAAARRRRR!!! First time ko pa naman dapat yun sa Diliman. Ang saya-saya pa naman napanood ko sa TV Patrol.

02. I didn’t get to buy even just a single piece of cute stuff in the Christmas Tiangge in school just around the oval (!!!). ASAAAAARRRR din!!! Dead na dead pa naman ako dun sa colorful earrings na nakita ko! ARGH. I promise I will buy my own pair of colorful danglings the next time I go to...kahit saang meron!

03. My plans of hanging out with my film friends didn’t work out. We all got so busy with our own agendas that we didn’t notice the coming of the Christmas break. Maybe next time. T_T

segway lang: hindi na ko tumuloy sa induction ng CAST (cinema arts society). yung org na sana sasalihan ko. na actually, last sem ko pa sinalihan...ewan ko. nagkaproblema kase ng konte. magulo eh. tapos ayon the night before nung induction nagdecide ako na hindi na lang talaga ko sasali. una, ang layo - sa antipolo pa with the bulubundukin chenes and all. pangalawa, wala akong pera - dahil syempre magastos yon. sagot pa naming mga applicants yung chibog ng lahaaaaaat ng kasama. pangatlo, hindi ako pwedeng mag-overnight. pang-apat, imposibleng makarating ako sa call time na 6 am sa katipunan. panglima, ayoko na lang talaga. medyo sad nga lang kase tumuloy yung mga friendships ko tapos ako hinde. pero no regrets naman ako.

The Frustrated Party-Planner.

This is it mga pare! Bakasyon na naman!!!

Well, obviously I’ve been waiting for this time to arrive. You see, I’ve lots of plans for this break and one of those is the supposed-to-be Christmas-Party of our barkada – HS barkada to be specific. Unfortunately, the plan for the party isn’t going too well. The truth is nothing’s really being really planned (!!!). Here I go again, making plans for our get together. Setting dates, finding all sorts of ways to communicate with them, flooding the bulletin board in Friendster, hoping (and praying) to spot even just one of them in YM and just wishing and wishing that the plan goes well.

Just the other night, I talked to Cha on the phone. She asked me about the plan and all that stuff. Well what can I say? “Cha, wala namang nangyayari eh. Baka hindi na matuloy. Wala namang nagrereply sa kanila eh kahit isa.” And that’s the truth. Painful. Really.

“Hay naku nakakainis na talaga sila. Ayan na naman.“ I imagined her making that crumpled face again.

She’s right. Here we go again. Here I go again. Making plans for everything. Exerting efforts for everything. Giving my time for everything. But then again as usual, none of them cooperates. None of them appreciates what I do (!!!). The worst of all is that nobody except for Mike and Cha ever bothers to ask me about that fucking party. Oh, I almost forgot! I almost forgot that this isn’t the first time that this thing happened. This usually happens (!!!). (Cha remember nung sem break? Nag-quote-unquote party tayo. Hello anim lang tayo non.)

Yeah, I’m somehow tired of doing this. Of course, I can understand if they’re busy or what. But I just don’t know why they’re not even lifting a finger just to maybe send me an SMS or give me a message in Friendster or in YM. Pwede rin namang ipasabi na lang nila sa iba kung hindi talaga nila keri.

All I want is for us to gather at least whenever we are free to do so just like on vacations such as this. That’s all. I only want to be with them. To hear their stories about their daily lives, love lives, whatev. I just want us to be together. Can’t they feel that, too?

Spell BREAK. Spell EXCITEMENT.

(anyway, I still have lots of reasons to enjoy the break)

Yikes! I feel so excited!!! Hehehe. It’s because I’ve already started working on my full-length script for my screenplay writing class. Just yesterday, I did some research about the lead characters I am planning to put into my story. And thank God, I was able to somehow tickle my creativity and I found some interesting ideas to spice up not just my characters but the story as well. Although I’m still undergoing so much stress on creating the whole story, at least I’ve already found a good corner to start with. And oh, my photo essay in my other class is getting into my creative nerves, too. It makes me feel more excited. Awww, I can’t wait to go and get working!

Since it’s Christmas. . .

I’ll do what everyone else is allowed to do. I am wishing my heart out!!! (konti lang naman eh) So if any of you wants to be my Santa baby this year... please please keep an eye on the following (hehe):

1. (manual) Single Lens Reflex camera (better known as SLR). Yey. I got this one! Although it’s somewhat old (spell Ancient) already, I still appreciate it and I super thank my Tita Dolly (I know it means so much to her) for letting me have it.

2. My own camcorder (kahit ano na!). Ugh. I know this one would be close to impossible – for now (I hope). But still I am very hopeful that Papa can afford to buy me one because I really need it for my school projects considering my course.

3. Digital SLR. Papa promised me he will buy me one kaya...basta! (cross fingers)

4. Scrapbook stuffs. Oh! I’m so dying to start scrap booking!!!

5. That real-colorful-and-cool knitted bag. I wish nanay wouldn’t forget about me when he arrives to Baguio...

6. a new pair of snickers. oh please! yung sapatos ko grabe, narealize ko na butas na pala nung last ko siyang isinuot nung minsang umuulan. nag-flood to death ang paa ko. actually, may isa pa kong sapatos pero ayoko nun - red and white kase. ayoko ng pulaaah! swear! eh si mama kase ang pumili non at peborit niya ang pulah kaya yon. kahit skechers pa siya never ko siyang sinuot - at isusuot.

7. my vampire romeo. hehehe.

How about you guys, care to share me your wish list? (Not that I can grant any of those. =b hehe)

enlighten yourselves.

2005-12-14T03:24:00.000-08:00

Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, and rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?

If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans that introvert process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.

What is introversion?

In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast." Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.

Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."

How many people are introverts?

I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."

Are introverts misunderstood?

Wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.

Are introverts oppressed?

I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics—Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon—is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics.

Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it." The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)

With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.

Are introverts arrogant?

Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, instead roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.

The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through.

Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."

'Think outside the box' (Jenny Yuen) Many people prefer to spend time alone, work better independently than in group settings and cherish celebrating birthdays with close friends rather than with large groups. This introverted personality is often stereotyped as unstable, lonely and anti-social, but, Olsen Laney said there are many advantages to being introverted. She said introverts are likely to be resilient, determined, good listeners, creative thinkers and very knowledgeable about themselves. “Introverts think outside the box and express themselves better in writing than in speech,” Olsen Laney said. Wil Ling, a 44-year-old introvert who was in the audience, said this way of thinking has its own uniqueness. “North American society and culture seem to give preference to the outgoing person, but it’s good to see that being introverted has its own advantages,” said Ling, a freelance researcher and translator.

'Might be hereditary'

Although there aren’t any studies that show how introversion originates, Olsen Laney said it might be hereditary. “I do think it’s genetic, because there are countries (where many people) are introverted,” she said, citing Japan as an example. “There are actually are genes that decide which neurotransmitter your brain is using, and then decides which pathway your brain goes down.” Introverts and extroverts have very different thought pathways.

The extrovert is known for the “fight-or-flight” personality, which involves information shooting toward emotional parts of the brain and then being stored in the short-term memory.
Introverted personalities tend to run on a “rest-and-digest” route, where information is considered more analytically and is deposited in long-term memory.

“One system is focused on our inside world and another (on) the outside world,” she said. “We have and need both those systems, but we are dominant in either one or the other.”

A loss for words The result, said Olsen Laney, is that introverted people may find they have difficulty retrieving words under pressure. “Because our internal world is already quite active, we can easily get over stimulated, she said, speaking from her own experience. “That is when we get vapor-locked and can’t think as fast.” This may lead some to believe introverts are stupid, but Olsen Laney said 16 per cent of gifted people are introverts. “They need to learn how to retrieve long-term memories,” she said. “I often wondered why I could talk rather easily and meet new people and other times I didn’t have any thought in my mind.” The answer may be in acetylcholine, a neurotransmitter that regulates human memory. Olsen Laney said a lack of acetylcholine was recently linked to Alzheimer’s disease, and that eating eggs, which contain those receptors, can give introverts that added memory boost. “It might be possible that introverts that keep their acetylcholine levels up may not get Alzheimer’s,” she said.

'Behavior often mistaken for aloofness' Introversion may also affect one’s family life if there is a clash of extroverted parents with introverted kids. It may also impact one’s career if a boss does not think an introverted employee contributes enough because introverts tend to keep information to themselves. This behavior is often mistaken for aloofness. “If you just ask them, it’s amazing what ideas they’ll tell you,” she said. Still, Olsen Laney said there are ways for introverts to cope with uncomfortable social functions without mentally breaking down. She said they can be social at events where there is interesting conversation, but not when it’s a party that they feel is meaningless. “Introverted people don’t like to be interrupted because it’s hard to find your train of thought again,” she said. “A lot of the reasons introverted people are seen the way they are is because chit-chat is totally unrewarding for our system.” Ling agreed. “I feel I can build a deeper relationship with maybe not a lot of friends, but with a few that I prefer to build up in an intimate way,” he said.

How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice?

First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.

Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"

Third, don't say anything else, either.

Thanks to these people, Jonathan Rauch and Jenny Yuen for these very enlightening articles (which I merged into one).

Well, finally I’ve figured out lots of things about myself (Yes, I am an introvert and I’m nothing but proud to be one.) For many years, I have been thinking about the way I behave and why do lots of people usually misunderstand me. I kept on finding the reasons why they usually don’t get my point, why do they treat me the way they do and why can’t I easily fit in. Thanks to God and to this article for now I’ve finally solved one of the most complicated puzzles I was carrying for so many years. I hope you guys are well informed as well. This information would be a lot of help for so many introverts out there who are all just like me – misunderstood.

Btw, all of those emphases are mine. = )

hindi natutulog si Lord.

2005-12-09T04:00:00.000-08:00

Kaninang umaga, malamig. Pinagsamang simoy ng hangin tuwing pasko at saka singaw ng lupa tuwing umuulan. Maaga akong nagising pero tanghali pa ang pasok ko kaya tumambay muna ko sa kwarto ko. sa 2^nd floor ng palasyo namen. Kakaiba tong umagang to kase first time kong tumambay dun ng walang tugtog. Nung una nagpapatugtog naman talaga ko pero pinatay ko na lang yung radyo. Feeling ko kase puro ingay lang ang isinusuka ng mga FM stations. Ayokong lumamon o malamon ng suka. Nagliligalig na ngang magaling ang utak ko pati ang simura ko eh…

Ang totoo nostalgic ang mga ganung eksena para saken. Umuulan, malamig, mag-isa lang akong nakakulong sa pink kong kwarto tapos ubod ng tahimik. Tuwing dumarating saken ang mga ganung pagkakataon , malamang isa lang sa tatlong to ang ginagawa ko: kung hindi ako excited na nagbabasa ng bagong librong nahiram ko sa layb eh nagsusulat naman ako ng kahit anong nagpapakati sa mga daliri o ko di kaya wala lang, nakatingin lang ako sa kisame habang pinapanood ang mga imaheng gawa-gawa ko lang at ako lang ang makakakakita.

At kanina nga ginawa ko ang isa sa mga yun.

Nagsulat ako. Nagsulat ako sa colorful kong stripes na journal. Yung malaki. Yung bagong bili ko nitong pasukan ng 2^nd sem. Nagsulat ako pero hindi tulad ng mga nakagawian kong isulat ang isinulat ko.

Nagdasal ako.

Nagdasal ako kay Lord (oo kay Lord at hindi sa kung sinong lord) at iyon ang isinulat ko sa journal ko. Isinulat ko para siguradong wala akong makalimutan at para may format ang dasal ko (OC kase ko talaga pagdating sa mga format ng mga bagay-bagay). Syempre hindi naman siya mukhang peyk. At hindi talaga siya peyk. Galing sa puso ko lahat ng isinulat ko dun. Pati yung mga luhang pumatak sa papel galing lahat sa puso ko yun (hindi naman dahil sa puso ko ang umiiyak noh). Nasabi kong lahat-lahat. Buong-buo. Isinulat kong lahat kahit na alam kong alam na naman ni Lord kung anong iniisip ko. Alam kong mas makakabuti para sa aming dalawa kung sasabihin ko Sa Kanya mismo. Bukod dun, gumaang din ang loob ko. Sa wakas, may napagsabihan na ko. Sa wakas napakawalan ko na.

Kung anuman yun, hindi ko na sasabihin pa dito. Sa amin na lang dalawa yun.

Basta ang pinakadahilan lang naman ay naguguluhan ako. Nawawalan ako ng pag-asa. Nauubos ang kompiyansa ko sa sarili ko. Parang unti-unti akong namamatay.

Hiniling ko na liwanagan niya ang utak ko. Hiniling ko na tulungan niya kong magdesisyon. Sabi ko bigyan niya ko ng sign sa kung anumang gusto niyang gawin ko. Sa kung anumang makakabuti para saken at sa lahat. Sabi ko pa nga bilisan niya eh (ang sama sama ko talaga. Demanding ako).

Tapos kanina sa school nung nag-CR ako nakita ko si Mam Libay. Siya yung prof ko sa Screenplay writing class ko (two times Palanca Award winner po siya).

Ako: Hi Ma’am. Siya: (naghuhugas ng kamay. May bago siyang henna tattoo sa mga kamay niya. Ang gandaaa.) Oi. Anong scriptwriting class ka? Diba ikaw si Daena? Ako: Opo. Siya: Ah tama Monday ka. Kakatapos ko lang checkan yung papel mo. Maganda yung script mo ha. Big potential. Ako: (pangiti-ngiti lang) Siya: Teka, nagra-write ka na ba dati pa? Ako: Hindi po. Siya: Talaga? Big potential ha.

Sabay labas ng CR.

Hindi ko naman alam na ganung kabilis ibibigay ni Lord yung hinihingi kong sign. = )

stop it - and be happy.

2005-12-07T21:29:00.000-08:00

how you perceive others is not who they really are; how others perceive you is not who you really are.

I guess, it's now the time to stop pushing myself too hard. If they don't like me and accept me for who I am then that's just fine with me. I may have only a few friends, but those friendships that I've got are all deep and lasting - and I prefer it that way. I don't need numerous friends, only those who will stay true to me. Only those who will never leave. I'd rather be alone and happy with myself than hang out with phony monsters who only act as parasites.

fan?

2005-12-05T05:26:00.000-08:00

Di na malilimutan pa Sa bawat sandaling ako’y iyong hagkan Ang yong mga halik Sana’y wag nang matapos pa Aking nadarama sa tuwing kapiling ka Ako’y nasasabik Sa’yo lamang ilalaan Ang isang ligayang walang hanggan Kahit na nagsasalo tayo Sa isang kasalanan ay ay ay ayyyyylaaabyuuuuu!!!!!!

tuliro.

2005-12-05T03:01:00.000-08:00

Hindi ko na ma-distinguish ang panaginip sa hindi.

PART I.

Mga ilang araw na rin akong nag-eemote. Akala ko binalewala na niya ko. akala ko nakalimutan na niya ko agad.

Sabay kanina sa library pag dating ni Ms. Cartoon II (kakambal ko) ang sabi niya “hoy alam mo ba ang drama nga non kanina eh. Sabi niya hoy kamusta ka na? namimiss na kita. Kayong dalawa ni daena. Busy lang talaga ko pero kayo pa ren true friends ko.”

Syeeeeeeeeeetttttt.

PART II.

Kanina pag gising ko, walang tubeg. Tapos wala pang fudams. Akala ko tuloy katapusan na ng mundo. O kaya martial law na. Muntik na nga kong sumigaw ng Sakloloooo!!! Naggegera na nga sa sikmura ko pero wala akong maipasak sa bibig ko. At nakakadiri man (hindi naman talaga.mabango pa rin naman ako eh) pero umalis ako ng bahay ng hindi naliligo. Ng hindi nag-aalmusal. Akala ko talaga nananaginip lang ako.

Tapos sa kahabaan ng byahe ko sa edsa gusto ko ng mahimatay. Akala ko nga mahihimatay talaga ako eh. Muntik na nga. Wala na kong pakialam.

Pag dating ko naman sa klase, parang lahat bago. Parang lumulutang ako. Parang dumadausdos ako sa wala. Parang wala akong maalala. Absent ako nung Friday tapos dumaan ang weekend. Parang ang tagaaal. Nasa ere pa ang utak ko.

Naglakad ako sa hallway. Tahimik. Madilim (haller basement kase) Walang kumakausap saken. Akala ko patay na ko.

PART III.

Tapos ngayong hapon dali-dali akong umuwi. Gusto ko na rin kaseng magpahinga – at kumain. Nananghalian naman ako pero parang hindi pa rin naaalis yung gutom ko.

Pag sakay ko ng jeep. Pagbaba ko. Pagpila ko sa MRT station. Pag sakay ko sa MRT. Pagbaba ko sa ayala. Pagsakay ko sa bus. Pagbaba ko ulet. Pagsakay ko sa jeep. Pagbaba ko. Paglakad ko papaunta mismo dito sa bahay namen.

Parang hindi ko alam kung paano ko yun nagawa. Basta lang tenen!!! nandito na'ko.

Tapos pag pasok ko sa bahay, nakita ko si papa na nakahiga sa kwarto ni DJ. Nakanganga. Naghihilik.

taenang... panaginip ba 'to?

Akala ko nasa Canada siya? Akala ko nag-eenjoy siya sa snow? Akala ko postponed ang pasko namen ngayong taong to? Baket siya nandito? Totoo nga bang nandito siya o nananaginip lang ako? Baka nga gutom lang ako?

Joke ba ‘to?

Pero hinde. kakatapos lang niya kong yakapin eh.

sige surreal kung surreal.

may sakit ako. literal.

2005-12-01T21:44:00.000-08:00

kaya sad si baby piglet ko. absent tuloy ako. manonood pa naman ako ng Piling Obrang Vidyo sa Cine Adarna. asarrrr. pero in fairness, may sakit ako at nagbblog ako ha. hehe.

pasawsaw sandali.

2005-11-30T05:26:00.000-08:00

Me: Ma, may Christmas countdown ako. Mama: Oh baket excited ka sa pasko? Me: Hindi ako excited. Ginagawa ko nga yun para ma-excite ako eh. Mama: Si papa mo tumawag. Me: Ano’ng sabi? Mama: May snow na daw dun. Ang kulit-kulit nga eh parang bata. Nasa loob pa siya ng banyo nung tumawag siya kasi daw tulog pa yung mga kasama niya sa bahay eh magigising yun pag nagsalita siya. Tuwang-tuwa nga eh kase may snow na. Sabi nga niya sana raw nandun tayo para nakita naten. Me: Ahh…

Sabay talukbong ng kumot at diretso sa pagtulog.

Mga anim na taon na ang nakakalipas, ganito rin noon. December na, malapit ng magpasko. Excited ang lahat sa klase kase magki-christmas party. Lahat abala sa pagpaplano ng party. Pagkatapos magbunutan para sa monito-monita, kanya-kanyang chismisan at tanungan sa kung sino ang nabunot ni sino sabay sabing “promise hindi ko sasabihin sa iba”. Kaso syempre bago pa man din dumating ang mismong araw ng christmas party eh alam na ng buong klase kung sino ang mga nabunot at nakabunot sa kanila.

Mga anim na taon na rin ang nakakalipas ng una akong makatanggap ng regalo mula sa isang manliligaw (kuno. Whatever). Tanghali noon sa may annex building ng school namen. Nakaupo ako sa sahig kase nawiwindang ako ng biglang may nag-abot sa akin ng isang bagay na nakabalot sa kulay berdeng papel na may mga lasong pula, Christmas gift pala. Nagulat ako syempre at wala na akong nagawa kung hindi ang ngumiti sa kanya. Muntik na kong mapipe at mabuti na lang nagkaroon pa ko ng lakas na makapag-thank you. Sa totoo lang, muntik ko pa ngang tanggihan yung regalo niya pero…pag ginawa ko yun para ko na ring sinabing ayoko sa kanya. Kaya tinanggap ko,

Mga anim na taon na rin ang nakakalipas ng mag-celebrate kami ng pasko sa bahay lang. kaming anim: si papa, si mama, ang dalawa kong utol na si pao at jhun2 (na dede talaga ang tawag ko sa kanya), ang aso naming si Ian (o si mojacko, o si chubby. Nakalimutan ko na kasi ang dami2 nila) at ako. Konti lang naman ang handa naming nun: barbecue, black forest cake, spaghetti, graham cake, menudo at mga kung anu-anong prutas. Wala rin namang masyadong kakaiba sa gabing nag-Noche Buena kami, naonood lang kami ng fireworks na galing sa isang subdivisiong maraming nakatirang mayayaman. Kumain lang, nagpatugtog at nagkwentuhan at nagtawanan. Wala naman talagang kakaiba dun pero ewan ko ba, hanggang sa ngayon hinahanap-hanap ko pa rin yung mga sandaling iyon. Iyon pa rin ang pinakamsayang paskong naaalala ko. Sa totoo lang, yun lang ang paskong narmadaman kong pasko nga talaga.

Medyo nakakapansin na ko ha. Parami na ng parami ang namimihasang humawak ng buhok ko. Nung una, si Em. Nag-uusap lang kami non ng bigla kong naramdamang kinakalikot na niya yung buhok ko. Pangalawa, si Carshz, ganun din. Nung nagkita kami sa daan minsan, habang nag-uusap kami bugla niyang kinali-kalikot yung buhok ko. Pangatlo (kanina lang), si Patty, imbis na kalabitin niya ko para makuha yung atensyon ko, hinawi niya yung buhok ko sa balikat.

Hmmm..dalawang bagay lang yan, pwedeng magulo ang buhok ko o kaya naman eh masarap hawakan at kalikutin kasi kulot. Alin naman kaya dun noh? Haller.

Shocks. Ganito pala ang feeling ng magkagusto sa isang lalakeng may asawa na. Ang weird. Time has no meaning, my love will never change. Syet stop it.

Jam-packed na talaga ko sa sabado. Una, may mini Olympics kami sa org (sa UP CAST) tapos kanina lang eh may nangharang samen ni Carshz na pogi sa may main lib walk at bigla kaming inin-vite sa orientation ng UP Red Cross Youth sa sabado rin. Tapos manonood pa ko ng Pagdadalaga ni Maxi kase required kame. !0-1:52 (hehe) yung Olympics tapos 9-12 yung orientation. Manonood din ako ng Harry Potter kase niyaya ako ni Pedro. Eh libre so why not dava?

argghh.. ang dami ko pa namang naka-sked na gagawin...

Time can only tell. (yak baduy)

Pag may naiwan ka sa nakaraan, tapos hindi mabura-bura, napapnaginipan mo pa, napapraning ka na. . . intay ka pa ng mga ilang taon at malalaman mo rin kung ano ba talaga ang kahahantungan.

Tulad ng ginagawa ko. Limang taon na kong naghihintay. Kaya ko pa.

heaven knows - everything 'cause this angel has flown away from me... leaving me in drunken misery... How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? yihee!!! may account na ko sa PEYUPS !!!

just crucify me or what?

2005-11-29T08:12:00.000-08:00

I feel so bitchy today.

This morning when I woke up, I couldn’t pull off my self to get going and start my day. First, I had a very odd dream which amazed me and frightened me at the same time. I guess it was caused by my lack of sleep due to the debut party that I attended the other night. I felt – and still feel – restless. I want to drink more beer. I want to get groggy all day (and night). I want to goof around, just sing my lungs out and be pathetically senseless as long as I want to. I actually don’t have any problems at the moment but I sort of just want to be visible and invisible at the same time. I want to feel and not to feel. I want to know and not to know. I want to cry and laugh. I want to stay awake and sleep. I want to forget and remember. All at the same time.

Agh. I do not understand myself. I miss my friends – my barkada. I miss my buddy Dadang. I miss her! I miss her! Oh God I miss her! Also, I’m freaking obsessed and bothered by my film subjects. I’ve got to think of a concept for my first ever film production in my Film 112 class. I have to create a good and innovative script for my screenplay writing class. I have to gather all my public speaking and whatever communication skills for my communication theories class. I have to chase my former professor in Malikhaing Pagsulat for my unfinished grade (which means I have to be restless for as long as I can. I also have to postpone hating him). I feel like being pushed really hard into things that I am not ready for. The world of film and mass communication is so getting into my nerves, eating me up and all I can do is to keep going when all I really want to say and do is to STOP. I am doing my best to excel and to keep up with everybody but still I feel like being left behind. God, I do not even know how to edit a video, I do not know how to transfer the video from the cam to the computer, I don’t know what software to use, I don’t know how to insert sounds to accompany the images, I don’t even know how to use photoshop! Imagine that?!!! Paksyet! And now when people ask me what course I am taking up, of course I keep on saying that “Ha? Ako? Film”. Putang-ina yan. People are amazed when I tell them I study in UP Diliman taking up BA Film and Audiovisual Communication when in reality I cannot even enumerate the top films of all time. Alam mo yon? Actually, it’s one of the things that bother me so much. I mean, the idea that I study in UP DIliman. Putang-ina I hate it. In the first place, I didn’t even plan to study there. Swear. Yeah, of course I took the UPCAT but I just did it just for the heck of doing it. I just didn’t want to frustrate my parents. Also, of course I wanted to help them with regards to the financing – alam nyo na di hamak na mas mura naman sa UP. But that was all. Pero yun na nga, I passed. I passed and now I’m here, still in agony for being a UP student. UP teaches you arrogance – intended or misplaced. But of course, I like being in UP not just for the education but also because it’s there that I met some of the greatest people I could have known in this lifetime. Kaya lang paksyet kase. Alam mo yun as much as possible ayoko ng nalalaman ng kung sino (lalo na yung mga bagong kakilala out of UP) kung san ako nag-aaral. Masyado kasing nadidikit yung buo mong pagkatao sa kung san ka nag-aaral eh. Nakakabad trip lang yun. Sobra. Basta putang-ina yung ganon. Hell. I’m so jam packed with all sorts of stuffs! I want to really cry so badly now. I don’t know why, but I feel like being so weak to even think about all the things that I have to think.

I have lots of things to do and deadlines keep on chasing me painfully. Sadly, I cannot even find a pinch of inspiration to keep me going steady. Mahn, I need something to keep my fire burning!

What makes me feel worse is that I cannot point out where the problem comes from. I just have this feeling of wanting to be independent and dependent at the same time. I want to do things and decide just for myself – although a lot of people would consider it as pure selfishness. So far, I am not enjoying my current state, my present life. I’ve lots of things that I want to do but I cannot. I just can’t. How am I supposed to do them when I am just a kid?

Look, I want to take a leave of absence in school. 1 year would be the longest. I want to work and earn money for myself, for my thesis in the future. I want to do things alone. I want to cook my own meal, wash my own clothes, clean, paint and decorate my own room, shop my own clothes, buy my own cds, go to wherever I want to go, watch movies or maybe play bowling (though I do not know how). I just want to sail away for a while. Not to leave forever but to at least just have some space for myself for some time. Like what I told Dadang, I just want to live the real life (whatever that means). It’s just that I feel being crushed I want to puke just to stay alive. I want to just break away (or breakdown). I cannot really feel any longer. I feel phony. Hungry. Tired. Pathetic. I even feel not so human.

The thought of taking a leave for a year makes me excited but scared at the same time. What if I can’t make it? What if something happens which will hinder me from finishing my studies? What if I already reached my maximum residency in our college which means that if I do not graduate immediately they will automatically kick me out? What if I can’t find I decent job because I’m just an undergraduate? What if my parents hate me for doing such things? What if I lose all the way? What if I cannot reach my goals anymore? Where will I find myself years from now? Years after I decided to take that leave? I want to take that huge risk but I am also afraid. I’m not just afraid for my own failure but also afraid of disappointing my parents. My success is also their success and I know that having a college graduate child would be one of their greatest achievements in life. For sure I wouldn’t be able to bear with the hard feeling of disappointing them. After all these years. After all their sacrifices for us – for me. But still, a part of my mind tells me to take the risk. My bitchy self is saying to just go and ignore what others may feel or say because after all it’s only me who will know what’s right for my self. Even my parents cannot tell what my heart desires.

Aaahhh…I’m so fucked up. I feel so empty and powerless for I cannot decide for myself!!! I can’t because I am just a kid!!! And kids don’t know what’s right. Kids don’t know how difficult life is. Kids can’t make sound decisions. Kids aren’t sure of themselves. And kids are just kids!!! Period.

I hate this feeling. How I wish I were born with all the things I need to be immune with all the harshness and uncertainties of life. How I wish I have someone to talk to about just anything. I wish I have someone to listen and someone who will maybe help me organize my thoughts. Someone who will not judge me. Someone who will give me the advice I need only when I ask for it. Someone who will just believe in me. Most of all, someone who will find it easier to know that I am going through real tough times. (like hello? Mukha ba kong OK?)

I want an ate. Or a kuya. A teacher. A best friend. Or a wise stranger.

I’ve always been the ate, the listener, the adviser, the crying shoulder, the bullet proof. I’ve always been the invincible-miss-all-knowing. I’ve always been the ultimate cheerleader. I always knew what to do and how to do it (ask my friends and you’ll find out that all I’m saying is true – to their eyes). I always impress people with whatever decision-making skills that I’ve got. I’m always on the go. Always positive. Always bubbly. Always palaban.

But people, please look at me now. I am no super hero. I’ve got no more guts to help you out with whatever you’re up to. I also sometimes live in misery. I also feel pain. I also drown in depression. I also fail. I am no omnipotent. I need someone. I need you, my friends. Agh. I just hope somebody will hear and realize my plea.

I feel like bursting.

obviously, isa siyang nobela.

2005-11-27T15:51:00.000-08:00

Ganito ako kapuyat. Ganyan. Ayan ang tamang illustration sa kahitsurahan ko.

Paanong hinde eh galing akong debut kagabi. Debut ni super Orang este Strawberry pala. Sa Max Binan ginawa mga 7 pm yung (supposed to be) start niya. Ayos naman kaso medyo hindi organized ang utak ko at pagkatao kagabi. Mga 6 pm na yun at hindi ko pa alam ang isusuot ko. Kinukulit ko pa rin si mama tungkol dun sa oblong na bilog niyang hikaw na gusto ko sanang suutin. Tsaka kung anong isusuot kong sapatos. Tsaka kung pwede ko bang ipanregalo yung scrapbook ek-ek dito sa bahay at kung may gift wrapper pa ba kame. Yun tuloy and ending eh wala na lang akong regalo. Kadirs talaga ko! Eh kase ang totoo medyo nawindang din ako dahil nung Friday ko lang nalaman yung buong detalye ng debut kaya hindi ako prepared talaga. Sobrang biglaan siguro kaya kahit invitation eh wala ako though kasama ako sa 18 candles.

Nagmeet kami ng super best bud ko na si Dadang sa Mcdo (malapit lang pala sa Max) kasi hindi naming alam pareho yung papunta nga dun sa venue. Galing pa siyang seminar sa Calamba. Mga chenelyn ever lang dahil nga nursing ang course niya. So ayon haggard pa siya sa byahe. Kumain muna kami sandali. Actually, napilitan lang akong umorder ng sundae para makatambay ako sa loob ng Mcdo. Siya kumain ng Burger kase halatang tomguts siya. Umalis na rin kami pag dating ng iba pa naming friendships – si Amie, Kat at Mark. Nilakad lang namin papuntang Max at medyo naligaw kame. Hallur? Yun pala ang lapit lang. Nagpagewang-gewang pa kame ng daan. Feel lang siguro naming (o ako lang ang may gusto?) magsagala with all the dress and chorvas. Hehe.

Pag dating namin dun, andami ng ka-pipol-an. Kaso medyo nahaggard naman ako dahil feeling ko ako lang talaga ang nakatotoong semi-formal. Wala lang. OP. Buti na lang nagbihis na si Budz ng semi-formal. May kasama na ko. Yehey. Tapos yun konting chorva muna hanggang sa dumating na ang celebrant. Mataray ang lola dahil mag-aalas-otso na po siya dumating. Pero in fairness isang dyosa ang lola mo! With the balloon-like hair with matching korona effect at mga bato-bato sa kanyang coral fink na gown! Perfect! At with the escort na kanyang childhood “bestfriend” (hello? Bestfriend?) daw na si Jet na isa ring fahfah.

Konting kodakan lang tapos chumibog na kame. At totoong wala pa rin kaming pinagbago, mga halimaw pa rin kame pag dating sa pagkain. Lalo pa mga barako kasama ko. Walang tira, ubos lahat! Kaso konti lang nakain ko kase wala akong gana. Chicken lang tsaka lumpia kinain ko kase ayoko nung hipon. Allergic ako. Tsaka ang lamig-lamig kaya nawalan ako ng gana kumain.

After nun 18 roses na. Syempre alam nyo na yun. The usual 18 roses kaso medyo kadirs din kase happy birthday yung tugtog. Parang hello? Ang kinder-ish naman yata? Tsaka hallur? Yung mga nakipagsayaw eh hindi man lang nagsuot ng totoong semi-formal. Mga 2 lang yata yung nakaporma talaga maliban dun sa tatay. As in kaasar lang dahil sabi semi-formal tapos ganon. Ang bonggatious pa naman ni Straw tapos ganun ang mga kahitsurahan nila. At least ako kahit hindi prepared na-keri ko pa ring mag-costume ng naaayon sa patakaran (bow). Wala lang, haller lang naman sa kanila.

Tapos syempre nun eh 18 candles. So the usual din. Nung ako na syempre gumawa nanaman ako ng eksena noh. Una, mali nanaman ang bigkas sa pangalan ko (lagi naman eh). Nag-explain pa ko na ganito po yun basahin: dey-nah (with the H talaga ha). Pangalawa, naguluhan naman ako dun sa picture taking habang sinasabi mo yung message mo sa celebrant. Naguluhan ako kung po-pose ba ko o hinde. Pangatlo, muntik na kong magpa-cry effect habang nagsspeech ako. Buti na lang na-keri kong pigilin kundi…hello naman saken noh gumagawa ako ng moment ko.

Tapos 18 gifts naman. Hang ginagawa yun wala lang kame, chumichibog pa rin. Sinisimot ung mga natira. Hehe. tapos nag-iinuman na lang. Hanggang sa mag-disco nah. Kamusta naman yun noh mga walo lang yata kaming nagsasayaw dun at nagmistulang interemission number ang ginawa namin. Masaya sana. Actually masaya naman kaya lang sana naging mas masaya kung walang KJ. Feel na feel ko pa namang mag-party-all-night. Feel na feel ko lalong magdisco. As in nitong mga nakaraang araw ko pa gusting sumayaw. Alam mo yon. Namiss ko tuloy bigla si Michael. Kung nandun yun hataw together kame. Ewan ko basta gusto ko lang sumayaw talaga ng sumayaw. Gusto ko na ngang pagyayayain yung mga tao dun na makipagsayaw saken eh kaso nawalan din ako ng gana. Uminom na lang tuloy ako ng uminom habang sumasayaw yung mga daliri ko sa paa. Ayun tuloy medyo tinamaan ako. Syet ang pula-pula ko grabe. As in first time kong malasing ng ganun. Haaayyy..bakit pag si peter ang ka-jamming ko hindi ako tinatablan?!!! Kung sabagay madali talaga kong malalasing kase inistraight kong inumin yung beer sa isang dangkal na baso eh.mga 3 bote. Wala pang yelo. Wala ring kwentuhan. Kaya ayon.

Tapos nung sobrang kumokorni na ang atmosphere at nagmimistulang wallpaper na kaming lahat, nagdecide na kaming umuwi. Hinatid kame ng escort ni Straw na si fahfah Jet sa may boundary kung san kami sumakay ng tricykol pauwi sa mga bahay2 namen. Si budz ko samen natulog kase wala ng sakayan papunta sa kanila. Sa bundok kase yon. Hikhikhik. Kasabay namin si Jet (ibang Jet naman to) pauwi at nilibre niya kame ng pamasahe. Ayos.

Pag dating sa bahay, medyo nag-ayos2 lang kame ng katawan at kahitsurahan tapos nahiga na kame ni budz. Dun siya sa sahig natulog sa kutson ng utol ko at ako naman sa kama ko. Dun kame sa kwarto ko syempre. Hindi kame natulog agad syempre at nagkuwentuhan lang. Medyo emotional nga ang usapan namin eh at in fact, naiyak ako (nag-eemot nanaman). Pero alam mo yon, sobrang saya lang. First time nga niyang mag-overnight samen eh at first time naming mag-spend ng time together (yak pa-cono kuno).

For sure nakatulog siya pero ako hinde. hindi talaga. Nakapikit lang ako sa loob ng 3 hours. Mga past six nung nagising siya at umuwi na rin agad. Ako naman naligo lang tapos nag-Milo at eto nagkokompyutere na. Wala akong balak matulog kase wala lang. bukod sa marami pa kong gagawin eh hindi naman talaga ko inaantok kahit puyat na puyat ako. Ewan ko pero ganito talaga ko eh tuwing puyat. Kahit puyat ako hindi pa rin ako natutulog sa umaga. Kaso may kaproblema-han ako dahil ang sakit ng mga braso ko. Hallur parang may arthritis ako. Siguro dahil lang sa sobrang lamig kagabi sa loob ng Max’s.

Si cha-cha nagtatampo saken kase hindi ko siya nabati nung birthday niya. Hu-hu. Hindi ko naman nakalimutang birthday niya eh at actually mga ilang months pa lang eh binabati ko na siya. kaso hindi ko lang talaga siya nabati nung mismong araw. Alam ko ang bad ko at ang lame ng paliwanag ko pero yun. Sorry lang talaga cha. Super sorry. Hay nako, nababalutan ako ng breaking-up atmosphere. Ang daming nagbe-break these days or kung hindi naman ang dami kong nababalitaang matagal na palang break pero ngayon ko lang nalaman (kinapos sa eavesdropping skills?). wala lang, medyo sad lang. Hay nakech! Ang ganda-ganda ng mga kanta ng orange and lemons! Huwaaaw! Naiinlab na ko sakanya (yung kumakanta) kase ang uber ganda ng boses niya! Ang lamig-lamig sa tenga tsaka hindi cliché-ish yung dating. At least siya walang kaboses (or kung mereon man hindi marame) di tulad nung iba diyan (The Calling, Spongecola, Creed, Lifehouse and the like).

Yeyness! May Christmas tree na kame tsaka red na parol! Woohoo finally naïf-feel ko na ang Christmas (medyo lang)!!! Hindi lang yun, nakasabit na yung mga medyas namen para lagyan ng gifts ni Santa Claus! (though natukalasan ko ng hindi pala siya totoo. Pero gusto ko pa rin siyang gawing totoo kaya ayon) Yahooooo!

quite sunny

2005-11-26T21:33:00.000-08:00

I had a great great day today. First, I participated in the annual film workshop of UP Cinema Arts Society (UP CAST) this morning. It was actually supposed to be a whole day activity but I just went there for the morning session since I intended to do a lot of acad things this afternoon. Thank God I was able to pull off every part of my spirit to get off my bed this morning just to attend that (mind you, I again became abusive of myself last night. In short - puyat ako. puyat na puyat). Also, thank God for letting me forget to return Em's photocopied readings for Film 104 yesterday for if not, I don't think I would be able to find an immensely rational reason to go there at all (because the truth is, I wasn't really planning to attend it and I only made the effort so that I could return Em's readings). We started the day with a game at syempre isa yung charade (tenen!!!). Wala lang favorite. hehe. Local and Foreign films ang tema ng charade at hello, I was the first one to be picked out as The Actress (yeah!) kaso sad because my groupmates didn't get it. Na-steal ng kabilang group. And this was the title - Kapag ang palay naging bigas, may bumayo! - O san ka pa? But fortunately, we got the second, the third and the last one. And again, I was The last Actress. Medyo na-haggard ako - hindi. nahaggard pala ko talaga - because the title was Pedro Penduko the Return of the Comeback (haller?!). Yung comeback nga lang ang na-reenact ko eh. Pero wag ka, (eto ang punch line ko) na-gets yun ng groupmate ko. (at eto na talaga ang final of the final punchlines) Si Crush Ko ang nakahula . (at oo innulit ko groupmate ko siya!!!) The other titles were Kabayo Kid and Bala at Lipstick - and we got them both. And of course yes yes yo, we won!!! Then after that, the lectures about film stuffs followed. It started with scriptwriting then cinematography, production management (tapos wala na lunch break na at umuwi na ko so period na). But between those lectures, they asked us to do some activity as well. We made a group script by spilling out our ideas one by one and in the end making up an entire (not-so-well) structured story. They also asked us to create our own easy storyboard using a digicam. We created a story using the frames of shots - and of course we were the performers (or should I say, models since all of it were just photos?) At actually, masaya siya. At very memorable talaga. Biruin mo that would be the first film (kuno) we made as film students! wow! Tapos may free coke pa, free snacks at free-ng serbisyo ng mabait na tagapaypay na si Patty. May free hand-outs pa na gawa ni sweetlittlebitch (kung sino siya sa kanila eh hindi ko na alam). Gawd was the entire activity fun. I never imagined (and felt-before) that they (the CAST-pers) would be that fun and nice! and they are all - really nice and I love them! (esp. mention kila ate prech, joma, bikoy, c-an, deo, con - and all those I interact with the most) I didn't know that before and I was too afraid and intimated to spend time in our tembayan because I thought that they didn't like me, and that they didn't give a damn if I pass all the initiations and stuffs just so I could join their org or not. But I was so wrong. All of them are really kind, smart, fun, talented and beautiful people (naks). Also, I dearly love all of my batchmates. Ansaya-saya lang talaga. I'm just so grateful for attending that workshop talaga and I can't wait to be an authentic member!!! (1 month to go!) At least after this, matutupad na ang dream namin nila Peter at Em na may masalihang course-related org. Next target naman namin ay mag-join sa Haribon tapos sa UP Sikat then sa Philippine Collegian (taray!). Pero who knows? I might still join Alay Sining, Em might still join Samaskom or any Sorority (pangarap niya yun eh) and Peter might still join UP Broad Ass. Ang dami-dami lang naming plans for our org life kaya sana matupad *crosses fingers*. Para naman lumago na ang social life namen at (ika nga ni Peter) pati dumami na ang mailagay namin sa resume namin in the future. hehe. Ayos! Second, I finally finished reading Crafting Fiction - a self-help book about of course writing Fiction and I just love everything that the author, Richard Cohen said. Tumagos saken lahat. Felt like I was the person he is talking about. All of his descriptions of a writer somehow fit me. Yes, I see myself as a writer (not just a film maker, an animator or what not) and I own the title whole-heartedly. Tama nga si Mam Libay, if you think you're good on something go ka lang. Wala ng marami pang disclaimer such as - mahilig akong magsulat pero hindi ako magaling (yan yung eksakto kong sinabi sa scriptwriting class ko sa kanya). Nakikinig ang universe pag sinasabi mo yun at in turn nagkakatotoo so better avoid doing that. You should embrace it if it's what you desire. You should take it as your own. And so I am taking writing as my own - I am a writer and nobody's telling me that I am or that I am not. Just myself. Because I together with all those who by heart believe that they are writers believe that: "A writer is someone for whom writing and living means the same thing." - Richard Cohen

eavesdropping effect.

2005-11-25T06:33:00.000-08:00

how can you possibly fall for someone you don't really know? yung babae kasi kanina nagtatampisaw na sa romansa eh wala pa nga. anyway kebs ba niya...

flap-flap.

2005-11-25T06:12:00.000-08:00

Times like this really drive me overly insane. There are lots of things to think about. So many issues that bother me. Looking back on my recent posts, I can see how cerebral I’ve become. How monstrously cerebral I’ve become. I’ve been thinking too much, been analyzing too many things, reflecting on my life too often. I guess I’ve already tried hard enough to rearrange my life; to rearrange my spirit and my direction. I’ve somehow given up my bloody poetry, I painted my blog white, I used black (boring) font, I used English as much as possible (to have a pseudo-distance between me and my readers) and I made my blog a very circus-like-colorful one.

I refrained from flooding my entries with so much emotion. I tried so hard to be rational because in real life, I am really emotional. In fact, I am too emotional. And this poor blog is my escape. My safe place. A least here I can pause for a while, look at things in a wider range, weigh things carefully and try to find meaning and solutions to almost anything and everything in my life. At least here, I can find the comfort that I long for from the outside. At least here, I can be every person and everything that I need. I can still be complete with just myself. I can make or break myself anytime and in any way that I want to.

But the thing is I couldn’t stand it any longer.

I feel so sick every time I reread my fuckin’ feel-good posts. It’s because they are not me. I am not them and it makes me want to puke to think that I wrote them myself. I am not saying though that I was just lying after all. The thing here is that writing all of those (you know na) didn’t make me feel even an inch better. It’s obvious that my purpose is to rearrange my spirit – from a sulky pessimistic being to a bubbly optimistic one – but sadly, it seems that no matter how hard I try I still can’t do it. I just can’t.

Much worse (but I am expecting positive results from doing this though), I am starting to read books on how to understand myself. The way I become monstrously different at different times and at different instances.

I really want to get out. Get out and be totally free.

horror kwento.

2005-11-25T04:54:00.000-08:00

bukas uulan ng daga. maraming-marami. magtatakbuhan sila. papaikot sa kinatatayuan mo. patalon-talon sa mga paa mo. pasabit-sabit sa damit mo. titili ka ng titili hanggang sa mapaos ka. hanggang sa mahilo ka. hanggang sa wala ka ng maramdaman. sabihin na nating hindi ako naging successful bilang isang cartoon star. nilangaw ang shows ko. nalugi nang nalugi. ang masama pa non, mismong ako ang ayaw tumangkilik sa sarili kong gawa. nasusuka kasi ako. nagpupumilit akong kumawala sa kulungan ko eh samantalang itinataboy naman ako sa tinatakbuhan ko. hindi raw kasi ako bagay dun. ah, at kaya naman pala dumudugo na naman ang mga daliri ko. totoo nga. dahil dito natatakot ako. sobrang natatakot ako. natatakot na 'kong managinip pati magising. natatakot akong malaman na hindi ko na kayang sabihin ang kaibahan ng dalawa.

nababalatan.

2005-11-24T07:30:00.000-08:00

hindi masakit pero dumudugo. hindi mabilis pero nakakahilo. mag-iisang linggo na rin kaming nagde-date sa layb. pero magkahiwalay kami ng mesa. minsan magkaharap. minsan magkatalikod. pero magkalapit. mga dalawang dipa. mag-dadalawang linggo na rin kaming naghahabulan. kaso hindi naman namin sinasadya. mag-iisang buwan na rin kaming nagtatawanan. nagkukuwentuhan. pero hindi nagkakarinigan. hindi nagkakaintindihan. kung bakit ba kasi hindi kita tinignan man lang nung kinausap mo ko sa layb. sa unang pagkakataon. zombie ganyan ang pakiramdam ko. maayos naman ang lahat. masaya naman. pero bakit wala akong maramdamang kahit ano? kahit sakit. o pait. lahat ng bagay ay may kapalit tama nga.

oooh..lala.

2005-11-19T00:41:00.000-08:00

wala lang. mike messaged me earlier in friendster. miss na daw niya ko. my roommate in LB din, Joan said she misses me. ayan nilagay ko tuloy ang pic na itech. i'm doing good actually with my friends in school but i'm missing them so much,too ...pero...di bale the christmas break is coming na. so..yeyness!!! mike matutuloy ang christmas party naten! keri yun! note: sorry naman kung malabo ang pic. nangarag lang. hehe.

blessings

2005-11-16T20:27:00.000-08:00

My brother broods over his army of pimples sprouting out again. He always bugs mom to let him see a dermatologist for he’s already so sick of seeing his face every time he looks at the mirror. Well, that’s too bad for him since he’s like this person who not just looks at himself in the mirror but stares at himself really closely for several minutes. You know, doing this twists and turns, looking closely at his various angles. Just last night at dinner, he was worrying again for the same reason, “Ma, dumadami na naman yung pimples ko.” Feeling optimistic at the moment, I just told him “Ganun talaga. Kailangan yun (yung maraming pimples) para hindi ka maging masyadong gwapo.” Then my mom added, “Oo nga, ang vain – vain mo na nga eh kaya kailangan may imperfections ka din.” Then we giggled together. Well, my brother just kept quiet and went on with his meal. I don’t know if he’s satisfied with our assertion or if he thought we were so damn silly he’d rather keep quiet than argue with us.

But the truth is, I’ve always believed in what I just said to my sib. I mean, we can consider those things and persons that we have in our lives as blessings but haven’t we thought about it that it’s also a blessing not to have the things and the people that we already do not have? Absence – and not just presence – should also be considered as a blessing. Just look at this, we would also not be who we are right now at this very moment if not for the absence of such various things and persons. We always calculate what we lack although we’re already thankful for what we have. But I don’t think we usually thank God – or whoever, whatever – for the things that we do not have. We always consider those lacking as our imperfections and misfortune – but never as blessings.

If my brother wasn’t born having the genes of my father which causes him to have that army of pimples, I don’t think he would be the same person as he is now. Perhaps, he would be very vain – and gorgeous – so vain that he would have more cosmetic stuffs than me and my mom would have, so gorgeous that lots of girls – and gays - will go crazy over him. His life would be different. The way others see him and relate to him would be different. The way he sees himself would be different. He would be different. The same as what my friend and I used to talk about. Both of us think that if he isn’t gay, then maybe we would not become friends at all. He would be a far different person having a far different life. Perhaps he would be a macho papa now, having lots of women (ganun siya ka gwapo). He would probably even have become a father by the age of fifteen. Perhaps he would not be able to take up advertising. Perhaps his life would be in hell.

Of course, I also have the same sentiments. I must admit, I have lots of insecurities and I usually tend to compare myself with others. Sometimes I dream of being a different person, having a different face – my ideal face, I dream of having a different personality, possessing the qualities that I am so dying to have, being in another place, in another time. Sometimes I even feel like I would want to die than live in the same body and soul, living in the same place and reality. I am always thankful though for what I have and who I have in my life but still I can’t stop craving for more. However, this is what I get every time I do that – a slap on the face. Haller magising ka nga sa kabaliwan mo at tignan mo at mag-isip kang mabuti. If I would have the face and the qualities that I want, of course that would mean being born in a different family, having totally different parents. If I would be born in a different place and time, again of course that would mean I would have a far different way of thinking and doing things. Most probably, I would also not get the chance to meet and be with my loved ones. Perhaps I would have a different humor, a different outlook in life, a different frame of mind. I would be a totally different person. And I’m not sure I’m going to like it because so far I am already loving myself and my life and I would not want to change anything just for some selfish and petty reasons. I guess we humans really have this tendency to aspire for whatever that we do not have, thinking that we would be happier if only we will have those things. We feel we’re still incomplete and we keep on searching and aiming for the things – and the persons- that we think would complete us. Because of that we are never really happy. We are never fully satisfied and grateful just for being ourselves and just for being with the persons that we already have.

But when we finally get what we want do we really become happier? Do we really become complete? Maybe not, maybe yes. But whatever the answer may be, I think we’ll still be pretty fine even without gaining such endless wishes. We only desire non-stop because we continue to sort of fill that empty space in ourselves, in our lives. We are never satisfied with just ourselves and what life had already offered us. We think there’s always something – someone – that’s missing.

The only thing is, I think we should just be equally thankful and grateful for what we have and for what we do not. Besides, most probably we would all be in big trouble – and not in huge bliss - if we always get what we want.

Don’t you think so?

reality check.

2005-11-16T03:14:00.000-08:00

Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba kong matuwa. Si Mam Libay kase – yung prof ko sa Film 112 at 121 which means The Language and Grammar of Film at Scriptwriting. Bow. – tinanong kame isa-isa sa klase kung anong balak naming gawin after naming makagraduate. Nakakaloka kaya yun lalo na para sa tulad ko. Haller panong hinde eh hindi ko pa nga sure kung makakagraduate ba ko (nako) at kung hanggang kelan pa ba ko bubuhayin ni Lord. I mean, hindi ko pa talaga planado kung saan ako magtatrabaho at kung ano ako in the future. Hindi ko ma-carry. Hindi ko pa talaga ma-imagine ang sarili ko. Pero sinabi ko na lang na gusto kong maging animator. Ashus. Instant dream ng lola mo. Gusto ko lang naman kasi talagang mag-drawing, mag-design at magsulat eh. Yun lang. Kaya siguro pwede akong animator. Tamang-tama pangarap ko namang maging cartoon at isa pa mukha naman talaga akong cartoon. Wala lang naloka lang ako kase parang hindi katanggap-tanggap kapag sinabi mong “I don’t know pa po eh kung ano ko in the future.” Pero in fairness ha meron ding mangilan-ngilan na ganon yung sagot. Na ganon yung nararamdaman – parang ako. Thankfulness nga naman oh.

Oo, isa na itong sumpa talaga. Isang sumpa saken dahil ako ay isang babae. Imagine, mag-iisang buwan na kong may muscle cramps dahil lang sa pesteng regla na ‘to. At ngayon naman ang sakeeeet ng puson ko pati balakang ko likod ko hita ko paa ko at lahat na dahil pa rin don. Hindi na ko nasanay eh pitong taon mahigit ko ng dinaranas to. Feeling ko tuloy sa tuwing nagkakaganito ko wala ng iba pang sakit ang di ko kakayanin. Swear. Ganong kahirap.

Ano itu? May kung ano daw na nangayayri sa mga Engineering students? Ha? Yung jowa ng friend ko nakikipag break na sa kanya dahil . . . wala lang. Sabi ng friend ko, minsan daw ang kulit – kulit. Gusto siyang makausap. Minsan naman naiinis sa kanya at ayaw siyang makita man lang. Sabi naman ng mga kaibigan ng jowa niya eh sobrang ngarag daw sa pag-aaral talaga. Tadtad ng projects, exams, evornights choochoos. Baka daw talagang nasstress lang. Tuloy tong friend ko naloloka na. Mag-ne-nervous breakdown na nga daw siya dahil sa ginagawa ng jowa niya. At eto ang mas malala, gusto nyang imestigahan naming kung anon a ba talaga ang nangyayari sa jowa niya. As in iimbestigahan naming. Waaaa. Natuluyan na talaga. Anyway, go naman ako dun kung gusto niya talaga. Dakilang sidekick! Naalala ko rin tuloy yung super classmate ko na shiftee din from Engineering. Nakupo. Napa-weird niya. As in. para siyang may sariling mundo. Tapos yung isa rin na kinuwento nung friend ko (ibang friend) na meron daw sa Eng. na ganun din ang nangyari. Na-trap na rin sa sarili niyang mundo matapos ang ilang years ng pamumuhay niya sa loob ng bahay Engineering.

Eto ang greatest shocker of the year ko. May bago akong crush sa Masscomm. As in sa College of Mass Communications galing. Sa college kung saan may scarcity ng mga authentic na kalalakihan. Isn’t it great?!!! Hallur? As in eto pa, kaklase ko siya sa 3 kong subject. So kamusta naman yun noh? Eh di happy ever after ako this sem. Hahaha! Ngayon lang kame nagtagpo ng landas dahil sabi niya sumali daw siya sa Singing Ambassadors kaya tumigil siya for a year. How great talaga! Kaso medyo coño. Medyo parang bading den. Pero hindi naman. Wag naman. Waaaa.

Ang saya saya saya saya saya saya ko! Baket? Kase may bago akong BAG! Hehe. Alam nyo kase adik ako sa bag kaya at the moment na napadaan ako sa SM eh instantly binili ko na tong bag na natipuhan ko. Buti na lang may dala kong pera. Kaso dahil dun kailangan ko tuloy pigilan ang katakawan ko at magtipid ng baon. Huhuhu. Anyway kebs pa rin ako basta in love ako sa bag ko. Hmp.

Magsisimula na yung creative writing workshop na isasagawa ng mga friends ko from LB na lumipat din sa DIliman. Interesado ako at niyayaya nga nila ko kaso parang hindi pa ko handing sumali sa isang writers’ pool. Parang gusto ko munang mag-explore at mag-aral magsulat ng mag-isa. Tsaka isa pa, short stories yung ginagawa nila eh hindi ako sanay sa ganon kaya nga ngayon nag-aaral akong mag-isa. Gusto ko talagang magsulat at alam kong importanteng sumali sa mga workshops pero hindi pa ko handa para dun. Tsaka na lang siguro.

Being nice is nice.

2005-11-15T21:46:00.000-08:00

(Erik, oo ito ang epekto ng comment mo sa recent post ko.)

Why can’t smart-talented-pretty-and-all people can’t be just that nice at the same time? Why do some people intentionally intimidate others just to gain some respect? Or why do they do it anyway?

I just don’t get it why things have to be this cruel and tough for all of us – especially me. Yeah, I am nice. A lot of people say I’m nice and I also do believe that it’s true. Actually, it’s weird ‘cause while everyone else is trying to be nice as often as possible I am here, trying my best not to be nice - always. But please don’t get me wrong. All I am saying is that I just have a nature to be . . . nice. But of course, I am also good on being nasty you know (Ask my super close friends and they’ll tell you about it. hehe.).

It’s just that I do not understand why some people are so good on being arrogant and being ass holes. Classmates, upper classmen, professors, janitors, vendors, and lots of other people seem to be always struggling to make themselves look tough and too-hot-to-handle. Some even pretend to be some other demi-god when mingling with other people just to sort of blend with them and at the same time intimidate others while some will just simply snob you or let you feel that they don’t like you at all by talking to you (and treating you) insolently (without any justifiable reason). These people seem to do everything they can just to make you feel that they are above you and that you are not liked by people like them. They could be also nice though, but only to those they want to be nice to and only if they want something from you. I just hate it. Unfortunately, I am surrounded – and I know I’ll be more surrounded in the future – by lots and lots of people like that. They are everywhere. They sometimes come thisclose to me and this far from me. They could be my enemies yet they could also become my friends (yung tipong ang tingin ko sa kanila friends tapos sila pala saken hindi). Who knows? And I tell you, there are lots of them in UP (Haaay pero kung sa bagay anywhere naman.).

Honestly, It hurts me so much to see (yes, I see it. I even sooo feel it.) how people like these who I treat sincerely as my friends treat me the other way around. I mean, I never chose who friends I will make. I’ve always loved people – in general. I do not just pick out those that I will care for or those that I will treat kindly that’s why knowing (and feeling) that I do not get the same from them really cuts deep. It’s not just the-being-sincere part but more on the-be-equally-nice-to-everybody part. Treat people like real people, like real humans – that simple. We do not just communicate with other humans just because we have to, just because we cannot possibly live alone but above all is because we have to touch other people’s lives and vice-versa. And obviously, we are not doing any touching thingy if we would just interact just for the superficial sake of surviving. But of course, it’s not just important to be nice to humans but to be nice to everybody, to everything that exists – including those that we doubt to exist – as well. Furthermore, I believe that arrogance has never been an effective way of making oneself superior to others. One wouldn’t also earn respect from it. Ever.

Besides, does being nice and humble a tough thing to do? If not, then why can’t some great-and-brilliant people do it?

i reflect.

2005-11-11T19:52:00.000-08:00

Talking about regrets.

A lot of people usually envy me when discussing this stuff. It’s because I could give hundreds and hundreds of opinions and stories about anything regarding the features of my life but not, never when talking about regrets. Yeah it’s really weird (I, myself even find it so weird) but I actually find it hard to share – or even recall – any regret within the 18 years of my stay here in the face of this planet. Of course I’ve done a lot of mistakes and I’ve lost so much as well yet I still don’t feel the burden of feeling sorry for myself. I cannot even recall a time when I brood over the things that I should’ve done but I didn’t, the same as with the things that I shouldn’t but I did. Perhaps, it’s because I find it a lot easier to forgive; not just to forgive other people, but to forgive myself as well. I may have done so many faults and it may be illogical to state them all because of their abundance but those faults never remain as faults as time goes by. My mistakes and losses then turn out to be the wealth that I carry as I go forward with my life. I do not hate them but instead I love them for without them I wouldn’t learn so much and I don’t think I would be here where I am right now. What matters most is the idea of the present and the fact that I am doing fine despite all of those that had already happened. Things happen for a reason and people act because they are bounded by certain circumstances that are inevitable. We may have committed the wrong decisions but that is partly because of the alternatives that are already laid before us. Indeed, we may choose what to do but the choices that are previously offered to us are still beyond our control. Hence, are actions are still dominated by some superior power – it may be God or what – but whatever or whoever it is I do not know. It’s just that my faults do not evolve to regrets later in life. They just don’t. Pretty glad it’s the way it is for me ^_^.

On holding on.

This holding on thing actually frustrates me most of the time. It’s just that I cannot accept the truth – every time it strikes me - that at some point in time, people eventually let go and it’s a horrible thing when you found out later that it’s only you who’s left holding on. Holding on to something that others have already given up.

Things such as this happen every time on every thing – on friendships, relationships, dreams. It just makes me miserable to see how little faith most of us have in some situations. I mean, most people today rarely believe in forever, in magic, in prayers, in love, in happy ending, even in hope.

Preserving long-lasting relationships be it friendship or romantic ones is difficult yet possible. Sticking to your dream no matter how big or impossible it may seem is also tough yet at the same time very attainable if we would only grip tighter and believe that we can make it. Unfortunately, as I’ve said a while ago most of us have already lost this sense of thinking. We easily give up and we take things for granted, even our vows to ourselves.

Touching lives.

Masakit magpaalam sa taong natutunan mo ng mahalin at naging parte na ng buhay mo pero mas masakit magpaalam sa taong hindi naman naging sa’yo pero binago yung takbo ng buhay mo.

Some former-special-someone-but-never-became-an-ex sent this to me. Silly me, I couldn’t help but to smile and sigh at the same time. It’s really amazing how far you could go touching other people’s lives without even knowing about it. You see, I may have this real little idea of making a difference on this person’s life but for sure I may never know how far I went. He even broke up with his recent girl friend, rearranged his edgy life, did well on his studies, tried to be a little friendlier, even shaved his head all because of me (but of course the shaving part was not that inspiring. Hehe). So what do we know.

I remember this friend of mine, a classmate just this 1^st semester - who had this terrible thing about his past love life, saying that the girl he loved years ago still haunts him - who had a major transformation just before the semester ends when he met this real beautiful girl (who also happened to be our class mate) who brought him back to his sunny view on life and love. I already knew about it the moment I saw his eyes sparkle and his dimples show the moment I first saw them talking in the corner of our classroom. And now well I only saw him yesterday and guess what? He just got his head shaved (also). Perhaps, that beauty really inspired him to get up and move on with life again (you should have seen him before, he was really slob-looking). I’m expecting a few more changes in him. A wardrobe make-over maybe?

But of course it’s not all about love and romance. Each of us can affect other people, may it be a friend, a relative, a superior, even a stranger (I can recall lots of strangers who I’ll treasure in my life and memory forever). Remember those you sit with inside the bus, the train even the queue (I just met some real nice persons just the other day when I was in queue for the payment of our registration fee). We’ll never really know.

Through a Rapist's Eyes

2005-11-08T20:35:00.000-08:00

This is important information for females of ALL ages. Guys - please forward to the female members of your family and all your female friends and associates. When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends. I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My men friends have female friends and this information is too important to miss someone. Please pass it along. A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts: 1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets. 2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who's clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around specifically to cut clothing. 3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered. 4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5:00 a.m. and 8:30 a.m. 5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms. 6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught. 7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years. 8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming 9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it. 10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: "I can't believe it is so cold out here", "we're in for a bad winter." Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target. 11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP or STAY BACK ! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back . Again, they are looking for an EASY target. 12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yell I HAVE PEPPER Spray and holding it out will be a deterrent. 13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY VERY HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it hurts. 14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he's out of there. 15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly. 16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts!!! You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble TELL THIS TO EVERY WOMAN (OR ANYONE) YOU KNOW, IT'S SIMPLE STUFF BUT IT COULD SAVE LIVES .

These I fear.

2005-11-05T20:47:00.000-08:00

Commitment

You’re boxed. Wings paralyzed. Limbs nailed down. You can see the distance but you cannot break away. Your head is swimming in endless boundaries. You’re nowhere to be found but on the road that tells you where you should only go. I know it’s weird but this is how I feel every time the notion of commitment triggers my consciousness. Although of course there would be times when commitment comes as inevitable, I still cannot embrace it as something that I am willing to bring myself into. I just couldn’t take the risk of diving into it bringing with me every aspect of myself. Unfortunately, this fear of mine could be seen in different aspects of my life, particularly the relationships I’ve been to. First, I’ve never had a real best friend. Not that I never had any best bud – actually I did have a few – the thing is none of those really lasted that long. Maybe a couple only lasted for a year or two but none of them ever went longer and further than that. I had lots of close friends though and I’ve been into different circles of friends – both female and male. Second, aside from not having a real best friend is the fact that I also never had a real boyfriend. I have a few of could-have-beens though, but those were all relationships that are full of romance but without any piece of formal commitment. It’s not really because I am too choosy like what my friends think, but I believe it is because I am too afraid to take the risk of committing myself to somebody that I am not that sure of considering that no matter how I like that person he is still a stranger to me. Furthermore, I don’t know why but whenever I feel like somebody is starting to like me too much there’s this tendency for me to runaway from that person, from that thing that is just about to begin. Puzzling as it is, it seems that I just cannot like someone that much. The same thing with the other person, I feel like somebody cannot – and should not – like me that much. I usually bring out this border whenever I feel like I (or somebody) am starting to go one step further from my personal zone. It’s like already letting go when it hasn’t even begun. Another reason behind is maybe just my unreasonable excess of vanity. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m just too vain to take the risk and share a part of myself with somebody. Well, what do we know. . . Mediocrity This, too I fear a lot. For all my life I’ve always been struggling to aim high and I never settled for less. I do not brag of course but it’s just that it has always been a habit for me to shoot for the best. I’ve always been a wild dreamer and I like to push myself hardly to the limits and discover what I could become. I just like it that way. However, as I grow up I am starting to find myself walking side by side with the rest of just the others. I’m afraid I’m starting to lose my grip now and just let myself melt with whatever. Maybe part of it is because I am beginning to finally penetrate the vastness of the real world – the world which is also synonymous to greater diversity and competition. I never feared the idea of diversity and competition though, but I fear I might not be able to break into where the toughest belong. I fear of just settling for what I already have and what I already can do. I’m afraid of not stretching myself and my horizon to the furthest that is possible. It’s not that it’s such a bad thing to be a mediocre, but it’s that every one of us has her/his right – and yes, it is a right - to be the best of what she/he could be. I’m just afraid that I might not be able to fulfill that right for myself. I’m afraid of growing old without being able to face the child me while saying “This is what you really wanted, right? This is what we really wanted. I’m glad we made it. Congratulations.”

my first teeny weeny electronic exhibit. bow.

2005-11-01T03:45:00.000-08:00

These photos are the ones that I’ve made during our black and white photography class this 1^st semester. Please be nice to them and to me for I’ve been through hell just to make them. aI am not a pro and I put them here just for the pleasure of having my own make-believe exhibit. Anyway, just take a peek. The grading includes the title that’s why I kind of picked those melodramatic ones. By the way, the photo paper isn’t really shaped that way (It’s really rectangular you know, but some technical limitations occurred that’s why it turned out this way. Thus, I am very much annoyed.) Well, too much for my defending. Just get moving. ^_^

Omg. This is really my mom carrying my youngest brother Dj (yikes!) so surely she’ll crucify me for choosing this title. Anyway, I did get a good grade here and I guess the title contributed relatively. Peace, Ma.

This one’s an ambushed shot. It’s my grandma and I forced her to pose for me. Bwahaha!

These are the candles I borrowed from the altar. I kind of played with the light using my pink lampshade.

Now, these are my favorite spoon and fork. They are my favorite because you can bend them like crazy. Ha-ha.

I remember my friend asking me if this meant revolution in the kitchen. Agh. Actually, this is supposed to mean sexual revolution. I don’t know if I made it clear enough in this shot. Too bad.

A very memorable shot. I got this while I was desperately rushing to take pictures in the MRT station in Quezon Ave. I can still remember how those strangers looked at me like I was mad. ‘Twas very funny and memorable (and did I say embarrassing?).

a Presenting. . . the photo I was recently talking about. This is dear to me since this is the only one which got a flat 1 among all of my plates. I took it just around the UPD campus, somewhere along the Fine Arts Building. But still, I am puzzled on why I got a flat 1 on this. Could somebody explain it to me?

alone with nostalgia.

2005-10-25T09:49:00.000-07:00

Rewind for a day. Nakakalungkot mag-reminisce kapag dumadating na sa point na gusto mong ibalik yung dati kahit isang segundo lang, kahit saglit lang pero syempre hindi mo magawa. Minsan naiisip ko, para saan pa ang memories, mafufrustrate ka lang – this I uttered as my two greatest friends, Kelly and Aileen walked towards FC in UP Diliman just last week. We went there just so we can have some time together before another sem crush us (also, to have a sort of negotiation thing with my scriptwriting class prof. but unfortunately he didn’t come to see me. I hate him. Arrrgh.)

We just talked (and shouted?!) for hours about everything and anything that came to us - about school, family, relationships, dreams, vocabularies (scarcity, kiosk, dryness?), our high school days, our good old jokes, our future etc. I took them to FC (Faculty Center), to my college (which is Masscomm), to the Cine Adarna (UP Film Institute) and lastly to the Sunken Garden where we watched the clouds sail as we continued our conversation.

After that, we went to Glorietta. Aileen bought us waffles first when we were still in Quezon Ave. MRT station (she always treat us, you know. Whatta rich girl! yebah! Hehe) and we ate it when we reached the place. Nothing, we just strolled and window-shopped. We goofed again and laughed and goofed again. Then we abruptly decided to go home and eat goto in Bayan (sa bayan ng San Pedro, Laguna. Mabuhay!) as we reminisce the times when we used to eat together there after classes instead since it’s already getting dark and we didn’t want to be stuck in the traffic (unfortunately, the first bus that we got in was doomed by some teki problems so we had to be transferred to another bus).

The day was really a blast. I was nothing but so so so happy to be with them again. God knows how I love those guys. I really do. I am not as happy (and crazy?) when I am with others than when I am with them. Like what Kelly said “ngayon lang kasi ako ulit sumaya ng ganito” – yeah, I also felt the same way. You see, it’s really different when I’m with them (my high school and forever best friends). I feel so myself when I’m with them, I mean the bubbly, crazy and wild ME. I just missed my old self. The real me. haaay… I just love you, guys. Sobra.

Feeling the sepia times.

Maselang bahaghari sa aking isipan wag kang mabahala di kita malilimutan, paglipas ng ulan ay babangon muli ang araw. wag sanag mawala ang maselang bahaghari. This E-heads cd makes me more nostalgic. Aaawww. How I miss the 90’s - my innocent-simple-but-happy days. The days when I used to take a bath in the poso with my brothers as we play toy boats and toy guns. My tomboyish days – full of scars, bruises, sun burn, cries, laughter, silly adventures, make-believe reality, bikes, piko, taguan, patintero, langit-lupa, ten-twenty, beinte-uno, taguan.

The bleeding star.

It’s only a couple of days since I decided to be a cartoon star but I kind-of miss my pink-black-bleeding self already. I miss my poetry so so much. However, I’ve decided to do some sketching and doodling for a while (a thing that I haven’t done for a long time) since I’ve finally found Kaia, my super charcoal pencil (how about naming all of my stuffs?) in my treasure chest full of small wonders (tenen!). But for sure I’ll continue my poetry perhaps after a few weeks or months ‘til I finally liberate myself from . . . some of my melodramatic-and-silly-but-also-metaphoric issues.

And yeah, I am looking forward to seeing you again. I also miss the pain.

My Un-New Year’s Day

2005-10-22T20:03:00.000-07:00

A new lay-out means a rebirth – well, at least for me. I know my “former” blog seemed like a mad lover’s sanctuary. I’ve been making my journal bleed like hell. I’ve been making a mess out of the supposed-to-be-jolly world. I’ve been too dramatic. So dramatic that sometimes when I look back at my oh-so-fucking poetic posts I wanna go mad and kill myself because they’re so damn majestic (?) (At least for me). They even sometimes make me wonder if I really wrote them myself (not that I am so confident about them). However, I do not really hate my melodramatic self for being able to write those stuffs. They aren’t trash and they would never be. Perhaps, only a few would appreciate them but they’ll never ever be a crap – not just for me – but for whoever who has a heart (or is it hypothalamus?) to feel. The truth is I miss my old melodramatic self. I miss the urge of letting my emotions burst through my little knowledge of word play. I miss how my heart and entire being melt for a moment as I reread what I’ve just written. I just miss the pain of my life – that’s it. Pain is not evil. Pain is life and pain is beautiful. Pain is love. Pain is hope. Pain cuts deep. Pain enables me to be the best and worst of myself and sometimes I wish I could have the pain back (or get used to pretending to have it) so that I can write again. It just feels so phony when you write bitter sweet lines when you really want to do is to party all night (and unfortunately I love writing bitter sweet stuffs). The words would not come out right, the emotions would not drown you and the entire stuff would not be sincere. And that’s the right time that you should call your work – a crap. It may contain those emotions you want the reader to feel, but you may not be able to really feel it yourself (which gives you all the reason to trash it out). In short, I just want to be over with those dramas and try to live a “new” life.

So I am writing this stuff to make the change in me official. Change is a choice so I decided to change and it’s not always in the New Year that we can do it, right? We can do it anytime and I decided to do it now. I am not changing for anybody, but for myself. I am changing because I wanted to and I do enjoy even the mere thought of it. I decided to make my blog a white one so as to make my thoughts as clearly expressed as possible (not that black has done so much clogging in my nervous system). White is simple and I just wanted to make everything now simple. The black font also means (for me) simplicity and frankness and I also strive to be like that. I removed most of unnecessary-but-cute-stuffs to add as well to the simplicity that I am longing for here. I wish to avoid tear jerker posts so I think I would not be using Tagalog (I do hope I can make it) as much as I could for there’s a certain dramatic effect whenever I use it (don’t you think so?). Of course, I would not stop writing melodramatic poems but I think I would have to create a separate webbie for that so as not to drive the visitors crazy and to avoid them feeling sorry for me. I’ve already drowned so much into the hopefully-most-dramatic-stage-in-an-adolescent’s-life and now I’m going back to the shore. I’m now saying goodbye to my love-suicidal-slash-super-dreamy-of-the-“ideal” self for I’ve decided to be “normal” again; I want to be rational again (no matter how I hated it, I still have to accept that I belong to the society who lives in a left-brained world with all its (boring) logic and rationality). It’s either, be rational or perish. I’m leaving and I’m making my way to find the next stop for me; to continue my journey. Now, I am so looking forward to being with my “cartoon self”. Just in case you are wondering’ why I want to be a “cartoon star”, well it’s because I wanted to be a cartoon character all my life. Ha-ha. Cartoons can do whatever they like; stretch their arms, make their eyes pop out, swallow their noses, and grow as big as a tornado and lots of amazing stuffs. They could also laugh and cry so flamboyantly and people would still accept it and find it “normal”. They are the actors and actresses of their own stage. There are no rules for them and they are just cute and happy. I wanna laugh, blab, slack, doodle, party, eat, goof, sob, jumble, dance, sing, criticize and go crazy so hard.

Happy Un-New Year’s Day to everyone!

segway:

i'm just SO SO pissed off (so pissed off i have to blog it here) for getting a NO GRADE in my Scriptwriting class. I found out (by texting my professor) that it's because my professor didn't got my final paper. That means, I have to meet him on Monday and resubmit the whole thing. Praise God for i haven't deleted it yet in the PCs documents. Anyway, at least because of this I would get to have that date with my dear friend bambina (and btw, that's not her real name) before she stucks herself in that tutorial class that she''ll be having in just a couple of days.

*******

hi michael, i know you won't read this (but who knows? maybe in the future when i die. oops) but i just want the whole world (as if) to witness how i greet you a . . . HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Aha! and you've been away again and just wonderin' maybe you could take me to one those Baguio trips-slash-seminars of yours next time? But then, you are "forgiven" for not celebrating your birthday with us. You torture me for making me miss you this much. i hate you. hehe joke, joke. i love you still so, show me that face again please?

(since im really in the mood to write)

Simple heart shits.

Me and my high school (and forever) friend Mr. Blank (he’s really gonna kill me if I mention his name) had this sort of emo-talk over the phone just the other day (but not entirely emo of course). Well, we’re not really in the mood for that one since he just called to ask me about that reunion thing I was planning for the whole tropa. But then, out of a long while of not seeing each other we just started blabbing about our lives. Then it came to the point where he opened the topic of his “recent life”, how it has been and blah-blah. He hesitated for a while whether he’s going to tell me about his “recent issues” for he fears that I might just laugh at him (silly, boy). But then because of my oh-so-good-convincing powers, he also gave in.

It’s about him and his girlfriend. He told me that they’ve only been together for about ten days (til the day we had this emo-talk) and now he is already breaking up. He wanted to trash the whole relationship (this early) for he doesn’t love (or should I say, like?) his girlfriend THAT much. Not that all, for the real reason is because he is STILL in love with his past love. They really didn’t become “them” (being in a romantic relationship) but he said that he still feels the same strong feeling for her (btw, SHE is also my friend. Both of them are my high school friends). He feels so crushed up for he doesn’t want to break his girlfriend’s heart just because of this girl that he know he would never ever have.

I was just nothing but shocked when I knew about this for all this time I thought he was already over her. But yeah, I was wrong. I am wrong. He is still crazy for her, crazy crazy. And so as the usual thing, I gave him some pieces of advice on what to do with this love thing. I asked him why does he like “her” (I mean the real love of his life) and he just answered me with a “ewan ko.basta ganun eh.” And so I then replied with a “oo sa bagay, minsan naman nagugustuhan mo lang ang isang bagay o tao dahil gusto mo lang eh.” I actually had no idea on what to say and I just ended up giving him silly suggestions like “maglasing ka muna tapos kausapin mo siya para pag nasabi mo na yung gusto mong sabihin at sinampal ka na niya tapos na.pag gising mo bukas okay na normal na ulit.” But of course I would not want him to do that, that is cowardice, isn’t it?

So after a long pause, a few sighs and some “hoy, ano na?”we went on with our talk. I just knew then that he would inject this love thing between me and another friend of ours (Which likes me for years. Hehe. I am not bragging here okay but that’s the whole pathetic truth). He said, “ooh alam ko ikaw pa rin ang gusto non. Matagal kasi malalim”. Huh? “malalim kasi yung feelings nya sayo kaya matagal yung mawawala.” Then he jus went on “wala ba kayong future? Ang cute siguro pag naging kayo.” Then, “hindi mo ba siya gusto?” and I said “gusto - dati. nung 4^th year tayo pero hindi na ngayon” “baket? Sayang naman pala. Tatanga-tanga kasi siya.” “eh ayoko na eh. Ayoko lang. basta ayoko na.tsaka may ___ nako. Oo yung fahfah kong bading.” Then we just burst out laughing. But because I am such an evil creature, I went on with my revenge, “hooh, sinasabi mo lang yan para maghanap ka ng karamay mo eh.gusto molang isama si _____ dahil katulad mo siya, hopeless sa taong gusto niya talaga.” “hay naku daena (that’s me!), tigilan na nga to ayaw na kitang kausapin inaaway mo ko.” Haaaa…poor bunny.

More arguments followed and I kept on torturing him a lot.

But then…

“nakakatawa noh, tayo ganitong kababaw pinag-uusapan naten habang si ____ (I’d rather not mention any names) imagine eh buhay may asawa na ang inaatupag.” I murmured.

“Yuck pang teen-ers talaga.” the poor bunny agreed.

But because I am just so evil and crazy I continued, “pero ako rin! Gusto kong maexperience ulit yung ganyan. Yung ganyang klase ng problema. Ang tagal na kasi eh since last akong nagka stupid heart ache.”

“shoooosh..wag na. hindi masaya.”, like he wanted to slap my face and disappear.

my tuesday marathon.

2005-10-18T14:28:00.000-07:00

i'm all about love.

Love. There it is. Scattered on the floor. Posted on the walls. Trashed in the tin can. Kept inside a shoebox. Collected in a photo album. Hidden under the pillows. Sticked inside the wallet. Pasted in the notebook. Love is everywhere. I am everywhere. And I am inlove everday with everything.

I know it sounds fine yet sounds scary for I don’t usually feel this way. Although that is the whole truth – I am inlove. Just plain inlove. With the laces of my pink pillow. With the trickling of the water in the faucet. With my baby fishiiiees. With the clothes hanging in our backyard. With the baby spoon. With the fresh batteries. With the borrowed vcds. With the warm water of my chocolate drink. With the orange curtains in our living room. With my baby DJ’s artworks. With my mom’s cooking. With my glittered powder blue flip-flops. With chocnuts and mentos. With icy water in my glass. With my still curly hair. With my black and white photos from my photography class. With the ringing of the door bell. With the cool smell of our bathroom every morning. With my dangling earrings. With the cirrus clouds. With the rains. With our yellow-lighted streets here in our subdivision. With warm kisses from baby DJ, chai2 and leinard. And with lots of stuffs scattered all around me. . .

Everything seems to be just that beautiful. Lovely. Amazing. And I am nothing but falling inlove here as I discover those small wonders. I can feel my senses working on well (finally). At last, I am now harvesting the fruit of using these God-given senses to the fullest (at least these days). It just feels good. Feels like I’m born again.

Just hoping that by the time you finish reading this, you’ll also be infected with the love virus that i have.

The deli hopia made me do this.

I remember how my friends talk about their plans for their lives, about their ambitions, their dreams, even the weirdest and wildest of them. I remember how my dear friend Michael (who’s actually celebrating his 18^th birthday on the 21^st) stood beside me, here in our balcony as he confessed his wants after graduating his advertising course. He said he wanted to work in an advertising company (of course), he wanted to wear corporate attire, have his own luxurious car and enjoy his life. I also remember him saying how he wanted to go to US and have his sort of independent life there. I remember him as he imagined his hair being blown by the winds as he journey along the endless highway (is it in Texas, dear?) riding his (again) luxurious car (I doubt if it’s color red). Well, I wonder if he still has the same dreams now.

But honestly, I sort of envy him because of that. I’ve known him for about five years now and I always knew how goal-oriented he is. He knows what he wants and he knows how to get it. His dreams have always been clearly painted on his memory and I can see it. It’s obvious. Yeah, I’m kind of jealous of how sure he is – of himself, of his life, his dreams. I am just amazed by him because I am the direct contradiction of what he is and I know that. You see, I am this person who just does most of the things out of intuition and opportunity. “Come inside whenever there is an open door”, my compulsive self usually commands. Yep, I have dreams of course but they’re not as clear as let’s say, Michael’s and most of the people I know. They’re not even grand enough like other’s dreams (perhaps, including yours). And I know for a fact how goal-disoriented I am. Not that I do not try to reach my goals – of course I do, I always do – it’s just that I do not really grip onto them that hard. I always change my mind. I keep on drifting, drifting. Life’s a big ocean for me and I am a humble sailor. I’ve got no rules for going forward nor going back – I just sail and let the winds take me, guide me. I must say, I also look forward to the future but I usually try to avoid doing it at the same time. Thinking about the future just terrifies me and paralyzes me, and gawd I hated that. Because of that, I am (but not have always been) living my life day by day, minute by minute. I try to focus myself on the things that I have today, on the things that I can do now. I try to focus on my struggling self now and not my “dream self” partying in the future. Besides, there is so much to learn, seize, enjoy and treasure on the present, even on this very moment that I’m writing this stuff. Even the moment you do nothing but listen to your heartbeat and breathe, the moment you just stare blankly at space as thoughts drown you or the moment you realized that you are doing nothing but watch time pass by you.

Yeah, I have dreams but they are as “little” as making somebody smile or making someone blush. My dreams may be petty compared to the dreams that others have (again, that includes you) but all of it means a lot to me. I do not dream of fame or abundant riches but I do want to live beside a beach so that I’ll get to witness how the sun rises and sets every single day. I don’t dream to be liked and loved by lots of people, but I do hope that I get to share so much love, so much love that it’s just enough to make my blood flow (huh?). Nothing, I just have this thousands of dreams that keep on growing every day and night. Some of them are really wild, some are so ideal (so ideal it’s unreal), quite a few are what we call “practical”, some are weird, others funny while some are just pretty sweet.

It’s just that, I feel I am not like the “normal” people are (what’s normal anyway?). I don’t know why, but I sense something “anomalous” about me (hehe) and this dream-goal-ambition-stuff thing is I think but one of its symptoms (tenen!). Hell, my parents will surely crucify me if they knew about this. They wouldn’t be too glad to know that they’re spilling out a lot of money in this film course I’m taking with all these stuffs running through my head (not that everything is wasted though ‘cause I can guarantee it’s not). Haha. Chll out.

With stripes and luminosity.

1. Shock 101.

As I was browsing nanay’s (my grandma) photo albums, a horrible thing caught my attention. My eyeballs felt like popping out of its sockets as I lift that one single photograph into my face like I was examining it. “Syet, bakit nandito ‘to? Baka marami na ang nakakita dito ha? Bakit ba dinidisplay pa ‘to ni nanay?!” my aghast self mumbled. I hurriedly picked it up, looked around me to make sure that no one is aware of what I am about to do, then quickly slipped it inside my shirt, took it home then trashed it in my drawer (not that it’s like a trashcan or something).

JS prom non, magkatabi kame sa pic. Matte gold na haltered strap ang suot ko at siya naman dark blue na coat. Mukha kaming tingting at basang sisiw. Magulo ang background dahil lahat atat magpapicture.

2. Liberation for free.

3 weeks, 5 weeks . . . I think it’s already two months now since I formally reloaded my cellphone. If it wasn’t for anything emergency, I’d probably won’t be reloading it at all. Tons of new promos from sun cell, smart, globe, touch mobile etc. do not interests me and all I care about is to make some lambing to nanay to ask for some pasaload. Hehe. The good thing is, I’ve just realized that it is indeed possible for me to live without my mobile phone. I just escaped from one prison there! Whew!

3. Kikay alert!

This is the end of the world, people. The self-proclaimed-fashion-“conservative” is starting to wear mini skirts again. Is this me? Well, how horrible.

4. Asian mania.

I’ve been renting and watching lots of films these past few days. I’ve watched Hero and The House of flying Daggers (because my artsy friend aleli recommended them) recently and I just loved them both. Now, I’m looking forward to a lot of films like those including 2046 (shocks, wala kasi akong mahiram eh umaalog ang videocity dito samen) and I think I’m gonna share more kwentos with aleli when 2^nd sem comes.

reasons for staying up late this sembreak.

2005-10-17T05:50:00.000-07:00

To experience how to abuse myself (again) not because I have to (school stuffs) but because I just want to. This time, I am the boss. Yeyness!

To peek into the aquarium and see how my baby fishiiees sleep. Hangkyuuut.

To watch my mom and my sibs joggle in their places as they sleep side by side. To stare at their tranquil faces as they lose themselves into dreamland. To pray for them as I watch them sleep. Or… to kiss them without them knowing it. Haha!

To watch the late night shows in national geographic channel.

To embrace and appreciate the silence of the evening.

To drink and talk with my friends all night regarding stuffs about anything and everything.

To wait for the sunrise (now, this is not just staying up late.)

To make love with the stars (of course, it’s metaphorical).

To write . . . write . . . and write . . . anything that comes to my mind.

To have all the time for myself. Reflecting just about anything regarding me and my life (something I cannot do during daytime).

To be all too romantic as I listen to the cheesy songs on the radio.

To have enough time to be with my first love – drawing (the darkness of the night gives me the mood for it).

To play the keyboards again (mahina naman eh, ok lang). It’s something I haven’t done since the classes started. Feels like I am as clueless as a beginner again.

To raid the fridge! Aha! All you yogurts prepare!

To sleep on the couch or my bed without knowing it. To sleep without having energy left to think and worry, only to breathe and to keep my heart beating.

btw, im officially over with the haircut thing though it only happened yesterday. it still looks bad of course, but well perhaps it's not THAT bad at all. (uuuyyy...pampalubag loob)

babala: mas matalim ang dila kesa sa gunting.

2005-10-16T06:25:00.000-07:00

sinong gusto ng sapakan? ng upakan? patayan? putcha gusto kong mag-amok talaga. as in ngayon. as in now na. lintek na bakla yan ginago yung gupit ko ! ! ! haller? isang taon ko tong pinahaba ! i repeat it ! isang taon ! isang taon akong nagtiis na wag magpagupit. hindi alam ng universe kung gaano kahirap para saken ung wag magpagupit ! sacrifice yun dahil napaka-insatiable kong tao at madali akong magsawa sa kahit anong bagay kasama na ang buhok ko! tapos. . . umaasa ako na magiging masaya ang feeling ng mahaba ang hair tapos medyo kulot pa. ipapaayos ko lang sana eh... papakortehan ko lang. tapos anong nangyari ??? hindi naman kasi ako vain eh. hindi ako ganung kaconscious sa itsura ko at hindi ako maarte talaga sa katawan in general kaso. . . nakakabadtrip lang kase talaga. siguro naman lahat ng tao eh gustong maging mukhang tao diba? at siguro naman kasama ako don? kaya yon. tangina lang talaga kase (okay tang-ama.feminist ako eh nakalimotan ko.tawa pa.tawa.) so. . . maghihintay nanaman ako ng isang taon para mapahaba to ! leche talaga ! ! ! at ayokong makakarinig na may magsasabi sakeng "ok lang yan, hindi naman masagwa ha." o kaya naman "ayos lang yan, maganda ka pa rin naman". tangina gagawa non. masunog na sana sa kinatatayuan niya dahil kahit sino hindi sasantuhin tong buhok ko. at alam ko yun kaya ayokong may mambobola saken. tanga siguro ko at malabo ang mata pero hindi naman ako bulag. at may salamin naman kami sa bahay. marammme. mabuti pa ang gawin niyo na lang eh samahan nyo ko sa pagmura sa gumupit saken o kaya naman ipagdasal nyo na lang na wag akong madepress at pagising ko bukas eh tawanan ko na lang ang lahat ng mga kaanghangan kong pinagsasabi dito at humaba na agad ang buhok ko. pero wag nyo na kong bolahin. please lang. ampanget lang kasi talaga. siguro dapat na kong bumili ng bagon pony tail para maipitan na lang tong buhok na to hanggang sa maging katanggap-tanggap na ang itsura niya. pota. dapat humingi ako ng pambili ng ipit sa baklang yun. . . . isa na lang putang ina talaga ! ! ! putang ama talaga ! ! ! (para fair.) ( pasensya na kayo naiimbyerna lang talaga ko. naging instant shock-absorber tuloy kayo.) (at isa pa, hindi ko talaga hate ang mga bakla.pasensya na sa paggamit ko ng term na yun dito. naiinis lang kasi talaga ko sa ginawa niya pero hindi ko rin naman siya hate as in siya bilang tao at bilang bakla.sana lang walang makamisunderstood kung sino man ang makakabasa nito.)

kwentu-kwentuhan.

2005-10-14T16:15:00.000-07:00

nagulat + natuwa = naloka oo. kanina kase galing akong school kinuha ko yung plates ko sa photography class ko. actually, super tinatamad akong pumunta kasi wala pang 30 mins. ang itinatagal ko dun samantalang halos 4 hours ang byahe ko balikan (from san pedro, laguna - diliman q.c). isa pa, kagagaling ko lang dun kahapon kasi nagpasa ako ng final paper sa broadcomm class ko naman kaya tinatamad na ko. kaso etong si pedok tumawag saken nung mga hapon (actually tumatawag din siya ng mga 11 am kaso hindi ko sinasagot kasi nasa kalsada ako nun) at ang sabi kunin na nga daw ung plates. napilitan tuloy akong sumugod kanina kasi last day na ng film department ngayon. pero ano itu? tama nga si pedok, matataas yung bigay ni sr sa mga last plates! matataas nga yung grades ko..at eto pa..may flat uno ako!!! as in! as in may nakalagay pang V.G! woah...as in naloka ako talaga. yun pa naman yung hindi ko ineexpect na mataas yung grade kasi desperado na ko nung kinuha ko yung pic na yun. landscape pa yun ha at sa loob lang ako ng campus nagkuha ng pic.so, finally nawala na worries ko sa final grade ko dun.sure na ko na makaka line of one ako dun. baka 1.5. ayos na yun. nakonsyus + kinabahan = napraning kaninang pagsakay ko sa MRT, may mamang sumakay din. nung nakatayo pa lang ako nakatingin na siya saken tapos nung umupo na ko nakatingin pa rin siya. tapos nung bumaba na kami sa quezon ave. station kasunod ko rin siya. pagbaba ko ng hagdan akala ko nagdisappear na siya. naglakad na ko sa may sidewalk kung saan lahat ng galing sa MRT eh naglalakad. tapos maya - maya nakita ko nanaman siya. binabagalan ko yung lakad ko para huwag ko siyang makasabay kaso palingon-lingon siya tapos nung nakita niya ko, tumigil siya at pinauna niya ko. napraning lang ako kasi feeling ko sinusundan niya ko.binilisan ko yung lakad ko hanggang sa makarating na ko sa terminal ng jeep papuntang UP campus. nag-disappear na siya.whattarelief. akala ko naman sinusundan niya ko talaga. wala lang, napraning lang ako talaga. akala ko ihahanda ko na ang mga deadly weapon ko.hehe. nakatapos + nakalagpas = nagbakasyon finally, tapos na ang first sem! yeyness! hindi ako makapaniwala na nakasurvive ako.wow.inaamin ko talagang nahirapan ako nitong sem kasi imagine kakashift ko lang ng course at campus.sobrang daming adjustments at ang dami talagang pagbabago kaya ayun hassle.pero ayan ang saya lang isipin na ang dami kong naaccomplish ngayong sem na to. imagine, nakasurvive ako sa photography class ko na matataas ang grades ko? waw. at nagawa ko yung paper ko sa broadcomm ko na ayos den? tapos nakasurvive ako kay sr rene villanueva na sobrang pasaway? at nakarir ko rin ang film 100 ko? pati yung urban sociology ko na-keri ko? pati din syempre yung comm100 ko na sabi ng sub naking prof eh pang masters daw ung topics? haay.ang saya saya lang. this 2nd sem alam ko mas mabigat pa.18 units pa ren pero puro majors na tsaka dalawang PE.sasali na rin ako ng maraming org.haller sana lang mabuhay pa ko after nun. pero ngayon, relax muna ko.pasarap muna naman.weee...

mabango ang busilak.

2005-10-11T17:05:00.000-07:00

habang ang ligawan ay trenta na pesos na lang o pwedeng unlimited din... habang ang sex ay 20 per hour na lang... habang ang kasal ay panakip-butas na lang...

habang halos lahat ng tao ay nagpapakaputa upang matikman si kakatihang nagkukunwaring siya si pag-ibig...

heto ka natutulala. natutulala sa tanawin ng babaeng pumipigil sa hininga mo. natutulala sa kabuuan niyang sapat na upang ikaw ay sumuko. natutulala habang sa isang sulok ay may mga matang nagmamasid.

napapangiti.namamangha.nagpapasalamat.

feels great.

2005-10-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

the ate cries.

guess what? I am starting to bond again (at last! After a very long time) with my sib. It’s just that I discovered lately that my brother Pao is really into poetry and short stories (ayon sa kanyang resume na nakita ko sa my documents.harhar). Yeah, I never did imagine that he will be engrossed in those things. Aside from that, he is really making his own poems and he composes his own songs! (I learned about this as I crept into their room: the boys’ blue room) Wow grabeh. And did I mention that he is the lead vocal of his band when he was in high school? Yeah, you bet it. The girls go ga-ga over him. crush ng bayan ang lolo mo. Well, I couldn’t be any prouder.

However, it’s not really that we “bond” and we do our own hobbies together. It’s just that finally (after a long period) we’re talking again (and yeah it means so much to me). He consults me again regarding some stuffs like “ate, san ka ba nakakakuha ng mga animated gif.?” Or “ate, sayo ba yung libro don yung black? Peram naman ako gusto kong basahin” or “ate, pwede bang mag-animate sa U-lead? Try mo nga ha”. Things like that. Things that may be petty to you but mean a lot to me.

Yes, I miss my brother so much although we’re still living in the same roof. You see, we’re really THIS CLOSE when we were still young (I mean mga elementary days). He used to be my first and ever playmate when we’re little, my buddy sa kainan, sa videoke, sa kalokohan, sa asaran, sa patintero, langit-lupa, ten-twenty etc. We used to do things together not until we reached – puberty (syet). Of course, I’ve grown ahead of him in the first place. We do not bond that often anymore since I’d rather spend my time with my tropa. After some time, he then followed. I just woke up one morning knowing that he is not the same buddy that I used to have. He would not talk to me about his crush, his assignments, his mga kahihiyan. He wouldn’t goof with me anymore. Until today.

Waaahh… what should I expect nga naman? Binata na ang utol ko. Mas matangkad na siya saken. Payat na siya at ang asarin siyang Bob (pasosyal term for baboy) ay isa ng error in perception. Vain na rin siya ngayon at mas matagal pa siyang maligo saken. Mas inaabuso na rin niya ang salamin kesa saken. Palagi na siyang may katelebabad sa cellphone. Palaging nagtetext o kaya nakikipag chat sa ym. Mahilig na rin siya sa porn. Hindi na siya madaldal. It’s just sad when you think about the way you used to be. The way you were. Huhuhu drama. But anyway, at least we’re showing some progress na. Finally, finally we’re talking again like other siblings do.

Ate ang tawag niya saken at ako naman kuya ang tawag ko sa kanya. Masaya lang.

thanksies!!!

this is from my friend ayeka. thank you dear, you're so thoughtful talaga! bawi ako sayo next time pramis! take care!

greetings of love. (naks)

happy birthday papa!!! i loooooove you!

kolads.

2005-10-05T23:20:00.000-07:00

ako ay nagluluksa. napipi ka na kase at namanhid. hindi ko alam kung baket. bumara na ang koneksyon natin. natuyo na ang mga cellphone. natigang na ang friendster. unti-unti ko na nga ring nakakalimutan kung anong itsura mo eh. bumibitiw ka na ba? bakit. sabi ko tahan na. huwag ka ring maligalig masyado at kumapit ka ng mahigpit. baka mahulog ka. hindi ako si darna at hindi kita kayang saluhin ng ganong kabilis. mahina ako at alam kong hindi mo alam kung gaano ako kahina. baka hindi kita makayanan. marami na rin kasi akong pinapasan. masaya ka lang kasi lahat ng gusto mo nakukuha mo. pero mas mapalad pa ang mga walang malamon kesa sayo. huwag mo kong tignan ng ganyan. marami na ngang problema dito sa pilipinas at kahit pa martial law na tayo o hinde eh hindi na mahalaga. nasa impyerno na tayo talaga. oo, tumaas na naman ang pamasahe. alam kong dapat na kong maglakad na lang kaso baka hindi na ko makaabot ng buhay sa pupuntahan ko. paluma na ng paluma ang wallet mo at parami na ng parami ang linya sa mukha mo. pati varicose veins. tama ka rin, malapit na tayong magka-cancer.pero huwag mo kong tignan ng ganyan dahil alam mong papatay ako ng kapitbahay para lang may makain tayo. at syempre tatawa ka ng malakas pag nalaman mong ganun ang iniisip ko. hindi madali. hindi madali. ayoko diyan kasi naiipit ako. ayoko kasi hindi ako makatawa, hindi ako makasigaw. hindi ako makahinga. hindi nila ako kilala at parang ayaw naman nila akong makilala. anino lang ako diyan kaya ayoko. pero kailangan. ampootah. yehey. sa wakas magaling ka na. sa wakas marunong ka nag umubo. so ibig sabihin hindi na kita kailangan pang i-enroll sa school para lang matutong umubo. namiss kita. namiss ko yung smile mo sa umaga. pa-kiss nga. huwag kang masyadong lalapit. nangangagat ako. mukha ka pa namang masarap. maganda ka pa rin. maganda ka pala. maganda ka naman palagi. hmmmm.. malapit na ang sembreak. nasasabik ako. magkikita na ulit tayo.

sa pagitan ng alikabok at kalsada.

2005-10-04T05:32:00.000-07:00

Ahhhchiiiing!!!

Hindi ko maipaliwanag kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay allergic pa rin ako sa alikabok. Samantalang, lumaki naman ako sa siyudad – madumi, mabaho at magulo. Sa siyudad na siyang kahalintulad din ng mundo naming dalawa.

Oo nga at katabi ko siya ngayon dito sa ilalim ng araw, sa harap ng mga rumaragasang sasakyan ngunit wala rin naming kaibahan. Blangko ang lahat. Animo’y wala akong katabi. Tulad ng nakasanayan ko, nananatili pa ring matapang at walang bakas ng anumang pag-aalinlangan ang kanyang mukha. Nakakunot ang nooy na tila’y may malalim na iniisip. Kung ano man o kung sino man ang kanyang iniisip ay natitiyak kong hindi ako at hindi iyon tungkol sa kung ano mang mayroon kami ngayon.

Aray!

Ang matatalim na alikabok ang siyang gumambala sa aking pagmumuni-muni. Makirot at mahapdi…singhapdi ng sugat kong hanggang ngayon ay nananatiling sariwa pa. Nanunuot sa buo kong kamalayan. Ako ay bahagyang napaluha.

O ayan, masakit pa ba?

Marahan niyang hinipan ang aking hindi na maimulat na mga mata. Ang hininga niya ay tulad pa rin ng dati. Malamig. Mabango. Mapanlinlang. Ang kakayahan nitong makapgdulot ng ginhawa sa aking dumadaing na kaluluwa ay wala pa ring kupas.

Kumurap ako. Tumitig sa kanya. Ngumiti. Hindi na. Salamat. Lakad. Lakad lang. Lakad pa rin.

Nakayuko ako. Pilit inaaliw ang sarili sa panonood sa aming magkatabing mga paa. Mararahan at mabibilis na hakbang. Mga hakbang na hindi magawang magkasabay sa kahit anong paraan. Mga pang wala naman talagang pinatutunguhan.

Lagi na lamang bang ganito?

Pabalik-balik sa parehong mga lugar na parati kong itinatanong sa sarili ko kung may halaga rin ba sa kanya. Mga lugar na nagpapaalala sa akin sa mga pangyayaring tulag ng paikot na daan, pawing paulit-ulit lamang. Mga kalsadang gasgas, mga daang sugatan. Tulad din ng aming mga alaala, dinadaanan lamang ng mga mapupusok na paa at sa huli’y maiiwanan lang din naman ng mga lubak na siyang nagsisilbing bakas ng mapait na karanasan.

Nginitian ko siya.

Ngiting mapagkunwari. Ngiting natatanging daan upang maikubli ang nangingilid kong luha. Pilit itinatago ang mga emosyong nais ng kumawala. At sa halip na umiyak…

Aray!

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ba hindi ko pa rin magawang masanay sa palagiang pagpuslit ng alikabok sa aking mga mata. Sa kabila ng mahabang panahon ng aking pakikisalamuha sa kanya ay hindi ko pa rin siya magawang harapin o iwasan. Dumadating siya kung kalian niya nanaisin, sasamantalahin ang mga sandaling ako ay Malaya at walang bahid ng pangamba at sa huli ay iiwan lamang din pala ako ng iilang patak ng luhang ako lamang at siya ang nakakakita.

Nanatiling nakayuko. Minasdan ko ulit ang mga paa. Sinuri kong muli ang mga alikabok.

Ang dalawang pang matigas at ang alikabok na makasarili… Ang dalawang pang pagod na at ang mga matang patuloy na pinagsasamantalahan ng alikabok… Heto at pabalik-balik pa rin sa kalsadang noon pa ma’y pinamamanhid na ng kasinungalingan.

oo, keso nanaman siya. wala lang. actually, pinasa ko yan sa humanities 1 class ko last year.

on wedding bells. endless chase. infantile perversion and finish lines.

2005-10-01T06:41:00.000-07:00

A female friend is getting married this Oct. 8. I wonder what came to her mind, perhaps she’s pregnant (a prejudice I’ve got to those women who marry at a very early age). Unfortunately, she gives me this terrible feeling I usually feel when a person of my age does something “extreme” (for me) like committing suicide, getting pregnant or much “worse” getting married. Yeah, she’s very much my age. She’s 18. Young. Hopeful. Ambitious. Promising. Beautiful. Then in just a few days, she’ll be entering a major transformation in her life. I just couldn’t imagine myself being in her shoes. Perhaps if I had been her, I’ll just runaway and become a nomad than marry this early. Anyway, I still do wish them all the best. Gawd help her.

I can see your smile. Yeah, he’s right you are pretty. With those eyes that reminds me of the past. You remind me of him. You remind me of “us” – the way we were - the unfinished but unforgettable “us”. I envy you so much I love you. Is this how the infantile perversion which Freud is talking about really feels? Well, it’s not so bad.

You see, I’m chasing that 12 o’clock ride. I am chasing the sunrise, the sunset. I’m chasing the day before it’s over and before it begins. I am always chasing things. Always chasing deadlines, always chasing finish lines. Always chasing people. Always chasing changes. Always chasing the past, the future, even the present. Always chasing myself. I just wonder if somebody does the same thing.

Hold on tight, stellar. I can finally see the finish line. Just hold on.

2005-09-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Sila na.

Sila na nung babaeng (sabi niya bisexual daw pero I doubt it) matagal na niyang nililigawan (na feeling ko isang taon na pero sabi niya hindi naman daw). Sila na nung Monday lang, Sept 26, 2005.

Sila na at hindi raw siya makapaniwala. Pakiramdam niya panaginip lang daw at parang gusto pa rin daw niyang pagsasampalin ang sarili niya. Brutal talaga ang lolo mo.

Sila na at natalo siya sa pustahan nilang magtropa. Nakipagpustahan daw kasi siya na kapag binasted siya nung babae eh mananalo siya ng tatlong daang piso. Pero dahil naging sila nga – hayun natalo siya. Inamin niya saken na medyo nalungkot siya nung sinagot siya nung babae dahil ibig sabihin non wala na nga siyang tatlong daan, mabubutas pang lalo ang bulsa niya. Gago talaga. Sila na at ang totoo blooming siya. Ganung ganun siya nung naging sila nung ex niya – si Karen. Si Karen na pinagpalit lang naman siya sa isang papansin na hindi naman gwapo na Jeff something ang pangalan. Si Karen na may magandang mahabang shiny black na buhok na gustong gusto niya. Si Karen na “baby” ang tawag sa kanya. Si Karen na dahilan ng mga kadramahan niya sa buhay. Si Karen na mahilig magsulat ng love letters. Si Karen na dahilan ng maraming bulung-bulungan sa campus. Si Karen na muntik ko ng sabunutan. Si Karen na sige na nga pinapatawad ko na (mag-inarte daw ba). Sila na at hindi naman talaga ako nagulat kahit na ang sabi ko eh “Ha? Talaga? Kelan pa?”. Sila na at noon pa man (simula nung kinuwento niya saken yung tungkol dun) eh alam ko nang hindi magtatagal at magiging sila rin. Haranahin ba naman niya sa gitna ng maraming usisero’t usisera, bigyan ba naman niya ng toblerone halos araw-araw, padalhan ba naman niya ng rose tuwing gusto niya, paglaanan ba naman niya ng sariling folder sa cellphone niya yung mga mushy message nito kahit na ang nakalagay lang eh “hi hello” eh. Hindi ko naman sinasabing napakadaling makuha ng mga babae, (obvious naman noh dahil hindi naman madali yung mga ka-keso-hang pinaggagawa niya diba) kaya lang syempre yung pagiging “masigasig” niya eh talagang pogi points na para mapasagot niya yun. Sila na nga at masaya naman ako. Oo, masaya talaga ako para sa kanya. Maswerte yung babae sa kanya dahil napakamartir niya (hahaha!). maswerte yun sa kanya dahil napaka-committed niya. Napaka keso niya. Napakasipag niyang mag-hatid-sundo routine (kahit wala naman siyang kotse at naglalakad lang.hehe). Napaka galante niya (hahahha!). Napaka- ideal niya (define “ideal”). Tapos. Sila na pero sabi ko madaya siya. Oo kahit na masaya ako para sa kanya, sabi ko madaya siya. Madaya siya kasi iniwan na niya kong mag-isa habang nagbibilang ng mga araw, buwan, taon, dekada, siglo, henerasyon na ako ay single (bow). Madaya siya kasi hindi ko na siya pwedeng asarin na “nagfee-feeling lang siya na may someone special siya”. Madaya siya kasi sabi ko lang madaya siya. Gusto ko lang gawing “katotohanan” na madaya siya. Sila na at nag-iisip bata nanaman ako. Naalala ko lang kasi nung 4^th year highschool pa kame (malamang). Open forum yun nung farewell party namin sa CAT (co-officer ko siya), pagkatapos niyang basahin yung makabagbag damdamin kong sulat eh sabi niya saken “oo naman syempre ikaw pa rin ang mahal ko. Ikaw lang ang nag-iisang pinakamalanding uod para saken” (uod kase ang pinang-aasar nila saken.kadiri nga eh pero nasanay na rin ako). Wala lang, masyado lang kumintal saken. Sabi ko kase isa siya sa mga best male (as in female-male) relationships ko. Hindi kami mag-jowa, hindi kami kailanman naging mag-jowa at hindi talaga kami posibleng maging mag-jowa pero isa siya dun sa mga yun. Nasesenti lang ako. Siguro totoo nga ang tsismis na selosa daw ako (ows?). wala akong LP sa kanya (lihim na pagtingin.aww) noh, at sigurado yun. Isa lang talaga siya sa mga best friends ko at ang kaibahan (hindi naman talaga kaibahan) lang, lalake siya. Wala nga akong LP sa kanya pero feeling ko nagseselos ako. Kasi nung una siyang nainlab at nung naging sila ni Karen, syempre medyo nababawasan na yung time na magkakasama kami (ng tropa). Kailangan pa niyang ihatid si Karen, kailangan pang ganito, ganyan. Hindi mo na siya mahatak ng ganung kadalas (at ganung kabilis) tulad ng dati. “Pag-aari” na siya ng iba. Tapos ngayon ,heto nanaman.

Sila na at hindi pa rin ako sanay sa ganitong senaryo. Ang mga kaibigan kong lalake ay naiinlab at nagkakajowa. Ang mga kaibigan kong lalake na katawanan ko, ka-jamming, kakwentuhan, kainuman ay nahihibang sa mga kalahi ko. Nakakamangha lang.

Sila na at lahat naman ng mga tao sa paligid ko ay nagiging taken na. Mapababae, mapalalake. Hindi lang ako makapaniwalang napakabilis magbago ng mga bagay. Parang lahat nagbabago, lahat nagpapalit. Mga ilang taon pa aabay nanaman ako sa kasal at sa pagkakataong ito, isa na sa kanila (sa mga kaibigan ko) ang ikakasal. Sa susunod naman magiging ninang na ko ng mga anak nila. Ang kupad-kupad ko lang talagang makisabay sa agos. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin mayakap ng buong-buo ang ilang mga bagay na hindi naman maiiwasang mangyari. Mga bagay na parte na talaga ng buhay.

Sila na at well, kami pa rin naman. Magkaibigan pa rin naman kami tulad ng dati. Isa pa rin naman siya sa mga best male relationships ko. Isa pa rin naman siya sa iilang mga lalakeng minahal ko ng lubos (at minamahal ko pa rin ng lubos).

Sila na at napapraning lang ako.

Kelly, namimiss lang kasi kita talaga. Alam mong kahit na pa-tumbling-in man natin ang mundo, wala nang makakapalit pa sayo (vice-versa.dapat lang.hmp). Miss ko lang yung mga kalandian naten. Miss ko lang yung “akin” ka. Yung “amin” ka lang nila bambina. Sorry ayokong magdrama dahil sa kayo na. Masaya ka diba at alam mong alam ko yun kaya masaya na rin ako.

Sana one of these days, makilala ko rin siya. Date namen pero sagot mo. Bwahahaha!!!

gisahin mo.

2005-09-30T04:26:00.000-07:00

ako ay habang buhay na napopoot dahil ako ay habang buhay na nagmamahal. ~ mula sa isang makata. hiniram ko lang.nakalimutan ko kung sino. patawad. ********* i'd rather hold on than let go. though it's painful. though it's hard. if it's the only way to own you, somehow. (oh ang sarap ng keso) ********* pag mushy ka at sincere ka. magiging mas masaya ka pati ang mga tao sa paligid mo. magiging mushy na rin sila sa'yo at ang tingin mo na sa tubig ay isang nakabibighaning bahaghari. ********* pag akala mo wala ng pag-asa. pag napapatulala ka na lang sa isang sulok dahil hindi mo alam kung ano ang gagawin mo.hindi darating si superman.hindi ka magiging darna. pero gagawa Siya ng paraan at ipapadama niya sa'yo na ligtas ka. hindi ka kawawa dahil kakampi mo siya. oo totoo. nangyari lang yan saken kani-kanina. ********* mas maganda kung ang pag-ibig ay walang hangganan. lalake sa babae. lalake sa lalake. babae sa babae. mas busilak kung ang pagtitinginan ay hindi nababakuran ng seksuwalidad na siyang nakagisnan lang natin bilang "normal". mata sa mata lang. kamay sa kamay. labi sa labi. isip sa isip. puso sa puso. ********* kanina nag-take ako ng kachorvahang test sa tickle.com. ewan ko pero lately eh naiisip ko lang ang tungkol dito. guess what? sinagutan ko yung are you ready to be a mom test. san ka pa? hahaha. at ang sabi niya... oo i'm so so so so ready na daw. hala. ********** nadedepress nanaman ako.tumaas nanaman kase ang pamasahe. ang dating 5 pisong pamasahe sa tricycle naging 7.50 na. tumataas nang lahat pwera lang ang baon ko.magtatag-gutom nanaman ako. delubyo na talaga. ********* obsessed ako ngayon sa vampire films. kay bradd pitt. tom cruise. yay. kung ganun lang din kagwapo ang mga bampira, hala sana kagatin na rin nila ako. yehey. ********* maganda pala ang blangko. maganda pala ang itim. masarap palang pakinggan ang katahimikan. masarap titigan ang wala. ******** masaya ding magbaliw--baliwang - muli. kakamisssss.

escape with me.

2005-09-28T20:05:00.000-07:00

Baby's black balloon makes her fly
I almost fell into that hole in your life
And you're not thinking 'bout tomorrow
Cuz you were the same as me
But on your knees

A thousand other boys could never reach you
How could I have been the one?
I saw the world spin beneath you
And scatter like ice from the spoon that was your womb

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone's prayer?

You know the lies they always told you
And the love you never knew
What's the things they never showed you
That swallow the light from the sun inside your room, yeah

And there's no time left for losin'
When you stand they fall, yeah

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
All because I'm
Comin' down the years turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I'll go on and I'll bring you home and
All because I'm
All because I'm
And I've become
What you became to me


black balloon
goo goo dolls

part II pero hindi related sa part I. labo.

2005-09-28T08:48:00.000-07:00

i'm falling... i'm falling... i'm falling... i'm falling... i'm faaaaaaalliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing... blagag. aray.masakit pala talaga.

blow.

2005-09-27T17:23:00.000-07:00

L O S E R.... ako. paksyet.

Anag - ag.

2005-09-26T16:41:00.000-07:00

Napansin mo ba sa bawat paglapat ng labi ng lapis sa pisngi ng papel Ang marahang pagdampi ng aking mga labi sa iyong nanlalamig na pisngi?

Batid mo ba na sa bawat pagitan ng mga payak na salita, Sa bawat linya ng papel ang aking pagluluksa Sa layo ng pagitan nating dalawa?

Narining mo ba sa bawat tuldok, gitling at pananda Ang nagsusumigaw kong puso, Nananaghoy at nauuhaw sa mapagmalasakit na pakikinig?

Alam mo ba kung paanong sa bawat pag-agos Ng mga kaisipan at damdamin sa abang papel Ay unti-unti kong hinuhubaran ang aking sarili Hindi lamang sa iyong harapan Kung hindi sa harapan ng buong mundong Mapanghusgang tulad mo?

Nasilip mo ba sa bawat kanto at kurbada ng mga titik Ang pinta ng aking ngiti, kurap, Ng aking mukha?

Sana.

Dahil sa bawat titik at larawan na tinititigan mo sa papel, Sa bawat musika at alingawngaw Na likha ng pinagkabit-kabit na mga kataga,

Naroroon ako at unti-unting nauubos.

o alipin.

2005-09-23T04:53:00.000-07:00

parang yelo sa iced tea. parang cologne sa kwelyo. parang komersyal sa radyo. parang usok ng sigarilyo. parang kape sa magdamag. parang daliri sa keyboards. parang gutom sa sikmura. parang mura sa tutuli. parang plema sa lalamunan. parang ngiti sa salamin. parang kalmot sa braso. parang bituwin sa mata. parang trapik sa edsa. parang baha sa kanto. parang sermon sa umaga. parang valium kung nag-iisa. parang katahimikan sa madaling araw. parang bulong sa kulungan. parang ikaw. parang ako. parang tayo. kung hindi ka magsasawa, maaadik ka. mga pinagpala lang ang nakapamamagitan. alin ka sa kanila?

commercial break.

2005-09-19T17:32:00.000-07:00

Long Walk to Forever

by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

They had grown up next door to each other, on the fringe of a city, near fields and woods and orchards, within sight of a lovely bell tower that belonged to a school for the blind. Now they were twenty, had not seen each other for nearly a year. There had always been playful, comfortable warmth between them, but never any talk of love. His name was Newt. Her name was Catharine. In the early afternoon, Newt knocked on Catharine's front door. Catharine came to the door. She was carrying a fat, glossy magazine she had been reading. The magazine was devoted entirely to brides. "Newt!" she said. She was surprised to see him. "Could you come for a walk?" he said. He was a shy person, even with Catharine. He covered his shyness by speaking absently, as though he were a secret agent pausing briefly on a mission between beautiful, distant, and sinister points. This manner of speaking had always been Newt's style, even in matters that concerned him desperately. "A walk?" said Catharine. "One foot in front of the other," said Newt, "Through leaves, over bridges--" "I had no idea you were in town," she said. "Just this minute I got in," he said. "Still in the Army, I see," she said. "Seven more months to go," he said. He was a private first class in the Artillery. His uniform was rumpled. His shoes were dusty. He needed a shave. He held out his hand for the magazine. "Let's see the pretty book," he said. She gave it to him. "I'm getting married, Newt," she said. "I know," he said. "Let's go for a walk." "I'm awfully busy, Newt," she said. "The wedding is only a week away." "If we go for a walk," he said, "it will make you rosy. It will make you a rosy bride." He turned the pages of the magazine. "A rosy bride like her--like her--like her," he said, showing her rosy brides. Catharine turned rosy, thinking about rosy brides. "That will be my present to Henry Stewart Chasens," said Newt. "By talking you for a walk, I'll be giving him a rosy bride." "You know his name?" said Catharine. "Mother wrote," he said. "From Pittsburgh?" "Yes," she said. "You'd like him." "Maybe," he said. "Can--can you come to the wedding, Newt?" she said. "That I doubt." he said. "Your furlough isn't for long enough?" she said. "Furlough?" said Newt. He was studying a two-page ad for flat silver. "I'm not on furlough," he said. "Oh?" she said. "I'm what they call A.W.O.L.," said Newt. "Oh, Newt! You're not!" she sad. "Sure I am," he said, still looking at the magazine. "Why, Newt?" she said. "I had to find out what your silver pattern is," he said. He read names of silver patterns from the magazine. "Albermarle? Heather?" he said. "Legend? Rambler Rose?" He looked up, smiled. "I plan to give you and your husband a spoon," he said. "Newt, Newt--tell me really," she said. "I want to go for a walk," he said. She wrung her hands in sisterly anguish. "Oh, Newt--you're fooling me about being A.W.O.L.," she said. Newt imitated police siren softly, raised his eyebrows. "Where--where from?" she said. "Fort Bragg," he said. "North Carolina?" she said. "That all right," he said. "Near Fayetteville--where Scarlett O'Hara went to school." "How did you get here, Newt?" she said. He raised his thumb, jerked it in a hitchhike gesture. "Two days," he said. "Does your mother know?" she said. "I didn't come to see my mother," he told her. "Who did you come to see?" she said. "You," he said. "Why me?" she said. "Because I love you," he said. "Now can we take a walk?" he said. "One foot in front of the other--through leaves, over bridges--" They were talking the walk now, were in a woods with a brown-leaf floor. Catharine was angry and rattled, close to tears. "Newt," she said, "this is absolutely crazy." "How so?"said Newt. "What a crazy time to tell me you love me," she said. "You never talked that way before." She stopped walking. "Let's keep walking," he said. "No," she said. "So far, no farther. I shouldn't have come out with you at all," she said. "You did," he said. "To get you out of the house," she said. "If somebody walked in and heard you talking to me that way, a week before the wedding--" "What would they think?" he said. "They'd think you were crazy," she said. "Why?" he said. Catharine took a deep breath, made a speech. "Let me say that I'm deeply honored by this crazy thing you've done," she said. "I can't believe you're really A.W.O.L., but maybe you are. I can't believe you really love me, but maybe you do. But--" "I do," said Newt. "Well, I'm deeply honored," said Catharine, "and I'm very fond of you as a friend, Newt, extremely fond--but it's just too late." She took a step away from him. "You've never even kissed me," she said, and she protected herself with her hands. "I don't mean you should do it now. I just mean this is all so unexpected. I haven't got the remotest idea of how to respond." "Just walk some more," he said. "Have a nice time." They started walking again. "How did you expect me to react?" she said. "How would I know what to expect?" he said. "I've never done anything like this before." "Did you think I would throw myself into your arms?" she said. "Maybe," he said. "I'm sorry to disappoint you," she said. "I'm not disappointed," he said. "I wasn't counting on it. This is very nice, just walking." Catharine stopped again. "You know what happens next?" she said. "Nope," he said. "We shake hands," she said. "We shake hands and part ways," she said. "That's what happens next." Newt nodded. "All right," he said. "Remember me from time to time. Remember how much I love you." Involuntarily, Catharine burst into tears. She turned her back to Newt, looked into the infinite colonnade of the woods. "What does that mean?" said Newt. "Rage!" said Catharine. She clenched her hands. "You have no right--" "I had to find out," he said. "If I'd loved you," she said, "I would have let you know before now." "You would?" he said. "Yes," she said. She faced him, looked up at him, her face quite red. "You would have known," she said. "How?" he said. "You would have seen it," she said. "Women aren't very clever at hiding it." Newt looked closely at Catharine's face now. To her distress, she realized that what she had said was true, that a woman couldn't hide love. Newt was seeing love now. And he did what he had to do. He kissed her. "You're hell to get along with!" she said when Newt let her go. "I am?" said Newt. "You shouldn't have done that," she said. "You didn't like it?" he said. "What did you expect," she said-- "wild, abandoned passion?" "I keep telling you," he said, "I never know what's going to happen next." "We say goodbye," she said. He frowned slightly. "All right," he said. She made another speech. "I'm not sorry we kissed," she said. "That was sweet. We should have kissed, we've been so close. I'll always remember you, Newt, and good luck." "You, too," he said. "Thank you, Newt," she said. "Thirty days," he said. "What?" she said. "Thirty days in the stockade," he said--"that's what one kiss will cost me." "I--I'm sorry," she said, "but I didn't ask you to go A.W.O.L." "I know," he said. "You certainly don't deserve any hero's reward for doing something as foolish as that," she said. "Must be nice to be a hero," said Newt. "Is Henry Stewart Chasens a hero?" "He might be, if he got the chance," said Catharine. She noted uneasily that they had begun to walk again. That farewell had been forgotten. "You really love him?" he said. "Certainly I love him!" she said hotly. "I would not marry him if I didn't love him!" "What's good about him?" said Newt. "Honestly!" she cried, stopping again. "Do you have any idea how offensive you're being? Many, many, many things are good about Henry! Yes," she said, "and many, many, many things are probably bad, too. But that isn't any of your business. I love Henry, and I don't have to argue his merits with you!" "Sorry," said Newt. "Honestly!" said Catharine. Newt kissed her again. He kissed her again because she wanted him to. They were now in a large orchard. "How did we get so far from home, Newt?" said Catharine. "One foot in front of the other--through leaves, over bridges," said Newt. "They add up--the steps," she said. Bells rang in the tower of the school for the blind nearby.

"School for the blind," said Newt.

"School for the blind," said Catharine. She shook her head in drowsy wonder. "I've got to go back now," she said.

"Say goodbye," said Newt.

"Every time I do," said Carharine, "I seem to get kissed."

Newt sat down on the close-cropped grass under an apple tree. "Sit down," he said.

"No," she said.

"I won't touch you," he said.

"I don't believe you," she said.

She sat down under another tree, twenty feet away from him. She closed her eyes.

"Dream of Henry Stewart Chasens," he said.

"What?" she said.

"Dream of your wonderful husband-to-be," he said.

"All right, I will," she said. She closed her eyes tighter, caught glimpses of her husband-to-be.

Newt yawned.

The bees were humming in the trees, and Catharine almost fell asleep. When she opened her eyes she saw that Newt really was asleep.

He began to snore softly.

Catharine let Newt sleep for an hour, and while he slept she adored him with all her heart.

The shadows of the apple trees grew to the east. The bells in the tower of the school for the blind rang again.

"Chick-a-dee-dee-dee," went a chickadee.

Somewhere far away an automobile starter nagged and failed, nagged and failed, fell still.

Catharine came out from under her tree, knelt by Newt.

"Newt?" she said.

"H'm?" he said. He opened his eyes.

"Late," she said.

"Hello, Catharine," he said.

"Hello, Newt," she said.

"I love you," he said.

"I know," she said.

"Too late," she said.

He stood, stretched groaningly. "A very nice walk." he said.

"I thought so," she said.

"Part company here?" he said.

"Where will you go?" she said.

"Hitch into town, turn myself in," he said.

"Good luck," she said.

"You, too," he said. "Marry me, Catharine?"

"No," she said.

He smiled, stared at her hard for a moment, then walked away quickly.

Catharine watched him grow smaller in the long perspective of shadows and trees, knew that if he stopped and turned now, if he called to her, she would run to him. She would have no choice.

Newt did stop. He did turn. He did call. "Catharine," he called.

She ran to him, put her arms around him, could not speak.

haller naman! actually, hindi pa sana ako magbblog kaso hindi ko na matiis. naguumapaw nanaman ang drafts ko sa mga bagong poems (at kachorvahan) ko at parang gusto ng sumabog ng puso ko (waaahh). kaya heto na ko.pero wala muna kong bagong orig entry. galing tong post na to sa blog ng prof ko sa broadcomm.kinilig ako eh kaya pinirata ko.sharing lang...pampaalis ng stress. pampa-cheesy ng konti sa ating mga buhay-buhay. busy pa ko eh dami pang requirements pero saglit na lang to..lapit na sembreak at finals namen.konting kapit pa...hehe.makakapagblog hop ulit ako. siz ayeka...miss na rin kita kaya hayan wait mo na ko bubulabugin ko na blog mo! at miss ko na kayong mga bloggie friends ko...kayong lahat.

pasel

2005-09-16T21:47:00.000-07:00

Paano ba tinutuldukan ang pangungusap na ayaw mong tapusin Gayundin ang mga awit na ayaw mong wakasan? Sa paghinto ba ng kamay ng orasan ay hihinto rin ang lahat Kasama na ang mga bagay na ayaw mo sanang pakawalan? Kapag binasag mo ba ang salamin ay maniniwala kang Kailanma’y hindi mo na masisilayan ang katotohanan? O ang pagsuka ba sa lahat ng laman ng iyong sikmura Ang tatapos sa kabalisahan na iyong nararamdaman? Tuwing tumatakbo ka ba ay natitiyak mong ikaw ay may pupuntahan at may maiiwanan? O ang pananatili ba sa kasalukuyan ang talagang Siyang pumupuksa sa ‘yong isipan? Pinahihina ka ba talaga ng iyong bulag na kagustuhan? Nilalamon ka ba talaga ng hindi mo paglisan? O ang bukas ba ang tanging natitira na lang para iyong makapitan?

stars are leaving for a while and so i'm leaving you with this post. be good, my pink bloggie. btw guys, keep looking at the night sky. i might crash into you one of these lazy nights.

********

meet me in outer space we could spend the night watch the earth come up I've grown tired of that place; won't you come with me? We could start again.

curriculum para sa tamang pagka-windang pag ganitong huwebes at umuulan at umaasa kang magiging plantsado ang lahat. (bow.)

2005-09-15T08:11:00.000-07:00

windang 101 sa hindi ko malamang kadahilanan eh hindi ako nagising kaninang umaga nung inalarm ko naman yung cellphone ko ng 5:30. instead, nagising ako ng quarter to seven. haller? 8:30 pa ang klase ko at 2 hours pa ang byahe ko plus umuulan pa so ibig sabihin trapik at ngaragan sa kalsada. hindi naman ako ginising ni mama kasi kakagising lang din niya. siguro sinadya talaga ng tadhana na magising ako ng late para wag na kong pumasok sa broad comm class ko. kasi kung nataon na pumasok pala ko dun eh hindi ko na maihahatid si papa sa airport. windang 102 pero in fairness pumunta pa rin ako ng school ha. kailangan ko kasing i-renew yung mga hiniram kong reference books para sa paper ko sa broadcomm class ko sa library kasi kung hindi magbabayad nanaman ako ng penalty noh (last time umabot sa P50 yung penalty ko) at syempre ayoko ng mamulubi dahil lang don (whew ang haba nun ha). kinailangan ko rin kasing ibigay yung blank tape ni carshz (classmate) at yung anthology ng philippine collegian ni jinky (classmate 2). nakakatawa lang kasi wala pa kong 30 mins dun tapos umuwi na rin ako. windang 103 napraning nanaman ang MRT. mga 30 mins. nanaman akong naghintay bago ako nakasakay. paano ba naman eh kung hindi puno eh sira o kaya matagal lang talagang dumating yung sunod na tren. usapan pa naman namin ni mama na pagka wala pa ko ng 12 sa bahay eh iiwan na nila ko. nakasakay naman ako agad sa bus sa ayala kaso heavy ang trapik. as in mga 48 years pa bago kami nakarating sa alabang pa lang ha. nataranta na nga ko kasi akala ko talaga pag uwi ko eh hindi ko sila dadatnan dun. hindi man lang ako makakapag goodbye kiss kay papa pag nagkataon. pero buti hindi. pag dating ko eh nag-iinuman pa nga sila ng mga kumpare niya. windang 104 saglit lang kami sa centennial airport. bumaba lang si papa tapos go na siya sa loob. late na kasi siya kaya hindi na siya puwedeng lumabas ulit. nag-kiss lang kami tapos nag-cr kami ni mama tapos alis na ulit.after nun pumunta kaming quiapo. bumili nanaman kasi ako ng photopaper dahil syempre ako tong si ms. expert sa pagpiprint ng pictures. nasayang ko halos lahat ng photopaper.hehe.tapos nun nag-shopping kami ng piratang vcds at cds. yehey! ang saya ko mapapanood ko na yung crash tsaka yung closer. nakahanap din ako ng cd ng lifehouse at ni robbie williams (iinggitin ko si peter). tsaka nakakita din ako ng collection ng hits ng boyzone (opo, fan nila ako) so ayun masaya lang. mas masaya pa kasi nag-hopia-hunting kami ni mama. dun daw kasi sa quiapo siya bumibili ng masarap na hopia.eh di ang drama namin eh hinalugad namin lahat ng bakeshop at tinikman yung gma hopia nila.kaso wala. wala yung gusto niya. masuka-suka pa nga ko dun sa isa niyang pinatikim sa'kin eh kase lasang gulaman (imagine that.hopia na lasang gulaman?). tapos nagutom kami syempre. kumain kami sa isang kainan ng intsik. ( at sa totoo lang hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangang tawaging kainan ng intsik yun) may inuman syempre tska may videoke. well, in fairness magagaling yun mga kumakanta ha. para bang wala na silang ginawa sa buhay kundi ang kumanta (chenen!). in fairness din ha masarap yung pancit canton tsaka yung siopao nila. ewan ko ba pero gustung-gusto kong pumupunta sa ganung lugar. yung tipong siksikan, halo-halo ang tao.maingay.maraming mabibiling mura. parang divisoria, quiapo, greenhills.ganun.gusto ko rin yung kumakain sa mga karinderya na masarap yung pagkain tapos may videoke (though, hindi naman ako kumakanta.nakikinig lang.pero deep inside gusto ko ring kumanta.hehe). gusto ko lang yung feeling nga inoobserbahan yung mga tao.ang saya saya kase. windang 105 dahil madailim na nga di dahil sa umuulan kundi dahil gabi na eh umuwi na kami ni mama. sa park n ride kami sumakay at josko ever! ang haba ng pila! hindi lang mahaba, mga 2 hours din kaming pumila.as in.trapik daw kasi sabi ni mamang despatsador kaya matagal dumating yung mga bus. para ngang puputok na yung terminal sa dami ng tao eh.nakakatuwa lang kasi madami akong nakitang kakilala at schoolmates ko nung highschool.wala lang sight-seeing lang tska nakipagdaldalan lang ako dun sa katabi kong madaldal. mag na-nine na nung nakasakay kami tapos mga 10:30 na nung nakarating kami dito sa san pedro. windang 106 (last na to pramis.) magdedevelop nanaman ako at magpiprint bukas. last chance ko na to na ayusin kasi sa 26 na yung exhibit namen.haller sana naman may maexhibit ako diba? so yun. tska pala ang dami kong gagawin dun sa subject na inabsentan ko kanina.grabe.anyway, tutulungan naman ako ni peter eh.hehe. pray for me naman para matapos na tong ka-windangan ko. at eto ang lakas pa rin ng ulan at ang sakit pa rin ng puson ko (alam mo na girl thing). talagang sumpa na to saken forever.anyway .sarap nanaman ng tulog ko nito dahil malamig. wish ko lang magising ako pag nag-alarm cp ko. pero in fairness ang sarap mawindang.ang saya saya ko pag nawiwindang ako.harhar. go!go!go!

papa.

2005-09-14T07:49:00.000-07:00

hindi ko alam kung matatawa ba ko o maiiyak. mananahimik ba o matutulala. kung minsan bigla bigla na lang may sumusupalpal sa mukha mo tapos wala ka namang magawa kung hindi ang magulat na lang. ni hindi ka na nga nakakagawa ng kahit anong reaksyon. hindi ganoong kabilis ang utak mo at puso para makasabay sa agos. at siguro hindi ka rin ganoong katapang at katibay para harapin ang kung anumang isinasambulat na sa mga nagbubulag-bulagan mo pang mga mata. aalis ka na bukas. aalis ka nanaman. mahigit sampung taon ka na ring umaalis at bumabalik pero hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako nasasanay. sa tuwing umaalis ka ganoon pa rin kasakit ang tinik na iniiwan mo. sa tuwing umaalis ka, hindi pa rin sapat ang mga pangako mong babalik ka para busugin ako. nitong mga nakalipas na araw ay inaaway kita.hindi kita kinikibo at ni hindi man lang kita tinitignan. siguro heto nanaman ang ilan sa mga panangga ko laban sa kalungkutan. ayokong iwan mo nanaman ako ng masaya tayo. lalo lang kitang mamimiss. lalo mo lang akong pahihirapan habang iniisip ko na kahit ilang beses ka pang magbalak umalis, wala naman akong magagawa para pigilan ka lalo pa't ako ang isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit kailangan mong umalis - at bumalik ng paulit-ulit. nalulungkot lang akong isiping, sa ikli ng buhay na 'to ilang beses lang kitang nakasama sa mga pinakamahahalagang araw. ilang beses lang kitang nakasama tuwing bertdey ko, tuwing recognition o graduation, tuwing pasko, bagong taon, mahal na araw, tuwing araw ng mga patay, piyesta, tuwing suspended ang klase dahil bagyo o dahil nagstrike ang mga jeepney drivers. kung minsan tuloy, parang lahat na nang araw ay pantay-pantay.wala ng espesyal kahit bertdey ko pa at kahit pasko hindi ko na inaasam. nanghhihinayang lang ako dahil dumaan ang mga araw na yun na hindi tayo magkasama. sana alam mo na palagi akong nasasabik sa'yo. ngayon, disi otso na 'ko pero marami pa rin ang hindi nagbago. ako parin ang prinsesa mo at ako lang ang prinsesa mo (sana). kung minsan tuloy gusto ko na ring makisali sa rally at awayin ang gobyerno dahil sa kahirapan ng pilipinas. siguro kung hindi mahirap dito, siguro hindi mo na kailangan pang umalis. siguro hindi na tayo manghihinayang pa sa bawat oras na hindi tayo magkakasama. siguro mapapanood mo pang mabuti kung paano ako lumaki, magdalaga, umibig, magtagumpay, mag-asawa, magkaanak...siguro wala kang mamimiss sa mumunting mga pagbabagong nagaganap sa akin - sa amin ng mga kapatid ko. alam mong isa sa mga hiling kong alam kong hindi na matutupad ay ang panoorin mo ko at samahan sa bawat yugto ng buhay ko. kahit na nandyan ka pa rin naman, syempre iba pa rin yung malapit ka lang.yung nandito ka lang sa tabi ko.yung hindi tayo pinaglalayo ng malawak na dagat at milya-milyang kalupaan, bundok, burol, ulap at higit sa lahat - oras. wala akong laban sa kanila. tao lang ako. puso lang ang mayroon ako at ang kaya ko lang gawin ay kumapit. siguro sa susunod na umalis ka sasama na ko sa'yo. isama mo na ko. isama mo na kami. ihahatid ka namin ni mama bukas kahit na ayokong makita ang likuran mo habang lumalakad ka papasok sa airport. ayokong makita kung paano nanaman tayo paglayuin ng mga dahilang hindi natin kayang labanan. hindi ko maipapangakong hindi ako iiyak pero sige hindi ako iiyak sa harapan mo. hindi naman talaga ako umiiyak sa harap mo kahit kailan diba? kasi sigurado kong iiyak ka rin. basta mag-ingat ka na lang doon. magpakabait ka. palagi tayong magcha-chat ha? mamimiss kita ng sobra. lagi mong tandaan na palagi kitang iisipin. ako pa rin ang prinsesa mo at may malaking puwang sa puso ko na talagang para sa'yo lang.

2005-09-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

nag-ga-gang war ang mga aso dito samen. sobra. nagising tuloy ako at dahil hindi rin naman ako makakabalik ulit sa masarap ko sanang tulog eh naginternet na lang ako. pag minamalas ka nga naman. tapos bigla kong naisip na gustong-gusto ko ng magkaroon ng sarili kong digicam. kahit na yung plates ko sa black and white photography ko eh hindi ko pa tapos... siguro naman may future ako pag digital na. (hehe) hirap naman kase ng manual na photography eh. lalo pag ginegrade-dan.

pagtakbo ang aking paghinga.

2005-09-13T03:41:00.000-07:00

Pag-iwan.

Hindi ako mabilis tumakbo. Bukod sa mabilis akong hingalin ay madali ring bumaha ang pawis ko. Pero sa kabila ng lahat, gusting-gusto ko pa ring tumakbo. Palagi pa rin akong tumatakbo. Patuloy lang sa pagtakbo.

Siguro, isa sa mga dahilan ng pagtakbo ko ay ang takot kong maiwanan.

Dati rati kasi ay sapat na sa akin ang maglakad lamang. Sapat na sa akin ang maglakad habang nagmamasid. Maglakad kasabay ng ilang mga kaluluwang umookupa sa daan.

Masaya ako noon tuwing naglalakad ako sa maluwang na kalsadang dati ay pinasisikip ng mga nagkikiskisan siko, likod, balikat. Masaya ako kahit masikip. Kahit mainit. Kahit hindi na halos ako makagalaw. Masaya ako dahil kahit papaano ay nadarama ko ang init ng katawan ng mga taong mahal ko. Masaya din akong isipin na siguro naman kahit papaano ay nadarama rin nila ang init ng aking katawan at marahil din ay mahal nila ako.

Pero simbilis ng mga yapak nila ang pagtalikod ng panahon sa akin. Tulad ng mga paa nila at anino, nilampasan na rin ako ng oras.

Tila masyado nang bumilis ang mga hakbang nila at hindi na ako makasabay. Kahit anumang pilit kong sila ay tawagin at abutin ay hindi ko na magawa. Tila wala na akong kakayahan at tila huli na nga ang lahat.

Napag-iwanan na ako.

Kaya simula noon ay binago ko na rin ang aking sarili. Kung dati ay naglalakad lamang ako ng mapayapa na animo’y walang pangambang may darating na kung anong hindi inaasahan, ngayon ay kaiba na. Kung dati ay ako ang nilalampasan at iniiwanan ng mga taong ayaw ko sanang pakawalan, Ngayon ako naman ang tumatakbong papalayo. Ako naman ang tumatakbo ng mabilis. Mabilis na mabilis. Ako naman ang nang-iiwan dahil ayoko ng mapag-iwanan.

(tulad ngayon, may isang tao nanamang sobrang mahal ko ang aalis sa huwebes. Kahit na alam kong matagal na niyang gustong umalis, hindi ko pa rin maikaila ang pagdaramdam ko.)

Pagtakas.

Isa ring dahilan ng aking pagtakbo ay ang pagtakas ko. Sa hindi ko matiyak na kadahilanan ay palagi ko na lamang napapanood ang sarili kong unti-unti bumibitaw. Unti-unting tumatakbo.

Marahil ito ay dahil sa ayokong masaktan at ayoko ring makulong.

Takot ako sa emosyon dahil puno ako ng emosyon. Takot ako sa pag-asa dahil palagi kong pinapwaniwala ang sarili ko na may pag-asa pa. Takot ako sa bakod, sa rehas at sa tanikala dahil nasusuka na ako sa sarili kong kabaong. Takot ako sa kamay dahil baka hindi ko na makayanang bumitaw. Takot ako sa pangako dahil baka lubusan akong maniwala at umasa. Takot ako sa bukas dahil baka hindi na ako matulog sa kakahintay dito. Takot ako sa lahat ng bagay na alam kong labis kong magugustuhan. Takot ako dahil takot akong baka hindi ko ito maangkin. Takot din akong baka hindi ko na ito magawang palayain.

Kaya bago pa man din dumating ang pagkakataong ako ay maalipin…

Tumatakbo na ako.

(patawad sa’yo kung masyado akong mahina at duwag)

Paghanap.

Gayun pa man, hindi naman siguro panay paglayo lamang ang dahilan ng aking pagtakbo. Ang pagtakbo rin naman ay isang pagpipilit na marating ang katapusan ng karera. Isang pag-aasam sa isang bagay na matagal mo nang hinahabol.

Kung anuman ang hinahabol ko ay hindi ko naman talaga alam. Siguro iyon na ang kaibahan ko sa ibang mga mananakbo. Sila, alam nila at natitiyak nila kung nasaan ang finish line. Alam din nila kung gaano kaikli lang na panahon ang mayroon sila para marating iyon. Eh ako, humahabol lang ako sa isang anino na hindi ko naman talaga kilala. Humahabol lang ako sa aninong hindi ko alam kung saan pupunta – kung saan ako dadalhin. Ngunit ang simpleng pagtakbo ko ang tanging nakakapagpaalala sa akin na balang araw may pupuntahan rin ako, na may finish line ding nakalaan para sa akin. Hindi ko man ito maaninag ngayon, pero alam kong sa pamamagitan ng pagtakbo ko makikita att makikita ko rin iyon.

Kung sa bagay, mas nanaisin ko pang tumakbo ng tumakbo kahit walang tiyak na pupuntahan kaysa naman tumayo na lang sa gilid ng kalsada habang pinapanood ang mga kaluluwang dumarating, tumitigil at umaalis sa aking tabi.

between the lines

2005-09-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

between the sun and earth is the sky of ours. angels without wings pass by the highways of forbidden gaze. between yesterday and tomorrow is the vision of a dead end. a mob of zombies kissing and hugging. between the lightness and darkness is the vampire red. where fire destroys more than it could really heal. between you and me are thousands of imperfect pixels. blurry shadows and distant embraces. between the labyrinth of the palms and feet are nails trapped in. where anonymous freedoms dive into the limbo of forsaken solitude

lahat ng bagay ay tila kapos.

2005-09-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

puyat. mugto ang mata.inabuso ang sarili kagabi. pinilit tukuran ng palito ng posporo ang mga kawawang talukap. tumunog ang selpown. gising na. pindot. kusot ng mata. nandyan na pala si mama. musta naman kaya ang gimik kagabi. tulog ulet. ay mainit. tirik na ang araw. tingin sa selpown. alas otso na. bangon. hilamos. akyat sa taas. basa muna ng librong required. nagpakahenyo. may natutunan naman. ayos. toktoktok.kainan na. tanghalian na pala. dogdogdog. baba sa hadan. silip sa kwarto. mama, alis tayo diba? ha? eh walang magbabantay sa kapatid mo. ha? eh di ba sabi mo... talikod. layas. tampo. kain.dabog.walang imik. o sige tetext ko si lola mo. wag na ayoko ng umalis. sabay tayo sa mesa. punta na lang akong festival.papasama na lang ako sa kaklase ko. tutbrush.kuha ng damit.ligo. bihis. isip isip kung aalis pa nga ba. wala akong pera. kwarenta pesos lang at sampung pisong tigpipiso. tututututut - tututut. deng ano punta ka pa ba? hintay kita. si cha. naiinip na. okey sige intay mo lang ako. suklay.kanta.isip isip pa rin kung pupunta pa. wala akong pera pero ayokong humingi ng pera. tututututut - tututut. ano pupunta ka pa ba? kanina pa ko dito. oo sige. kuha ang pink na bag. lagay ang isang pares ng lumalawit na hikaw. suklay ng daliri ang kulot na buhok. ma, alis na ko. may pera ka ba? oo meron. sabay talikod. balabag ng pinto. sakay sa traysikel. ang gwapo naman ng katabi ko pero paksyet binobosohan pa yata ako. haller hindi ako seksi ok. maganda lang.haha. oi si cha ayun.badtrip. cha sorry.tara na. abang ng jeep.sakay sa jeep. kwento.daldal.kala mong walang problema. dating sa festival. nakipagkita kay dadang. yakap.kamustahan.tawanan. lakad sa mall. sakit sa paa. window shopping to death. hanap si lew. may gig daw sila. asan? asan? gutom.kain sa MCDO.lamon ng ketsup.kwentuhan ulet. lakad.lakad pa. nakita na si lew.batian.kamustahan.tawanan. punta sa cr.lakad lakad ulet.window shopping ulet. kodakan gamit ang SLR ko. tawanan. lakad pauwi.nakasalubong si nyoy volante. nginitian kame. so what? paalam kay lew. bili ng pink na cotton candy. upo.kain.kwentuhan.senti.tawanan. tingin sa relo. gabi na. uwi na. beso beso.ingat ka. ingat din kayo. i miss you. lakad pahiwalay. sakay kami ni cha sa jeep. pauwi. kwentuhan ulet. masaya. baba na ko. lakad. umaambon. sakay sa traysikel. baba sa bahay. mano sa ermats at erpats. akyat sa kwarto. bihis.baba. kain ng tilapya at kanin. tutbrush.hilamos. upo sa harap ng kahong hindi nagsasalita. at heto gabi nanaman. inaabuso nanaman ang sarili.

he's chasing the sunset.

2005-09-10T02:42:00.000-07:00

I could still remember how the shadows fell upon her cheeks as she softly bites her polished lips. Her hair surrendering to the breeze was the most amazing picture there was and there would be. Those eyelashes that seem to touch my bare nature seemed to be weakening me, making me fall into her tears. She could calm the waves by just waving her hands… The echoes of her voice caused my heart to thomp a bit faster… but more gently.

She was beautiful And she is still beautiful every time I think about her. Truly, that panorama of her was still the most lucid memory that I can hold on to.

We were standing side by side with each other that afternoon, listening to each others’ whispers and laughter while we gaze at the setting of the sun. Surely, that sunset was the best of all the sunsets that I’ve ever witnessed. The site of her as she reveals those tangerine rays embraced by pinkish cotton balls was suddenly not just a magic of time unfolding in front of me. It has then become the mystery of love disclosing on me. Slipping inside of me.

The moment lasted only for a couple of minutes but all those bits of emotion I had seem to last for like an eternity.

But she’s not with me now. I lost her. Maybe I had her then, maybe I had her before the sunset faded. But I lost her as I lost the beauty of the sunset.

I lost her and how I wish I could have her again.

I loved her and maybe she loved me, too. Maybe she loved me too before the sunset disappeared.

Now instead of running away and forgetting, I am running towards her. However, chasing her has always caused me to land on my knees. She never fails me and she never failed me even once. But chasing could somehow set my blood on fire. It makes a desperate runner like me hold on to some imaginary finish line. Hold on to whatever that’s left for me to hold on to.

So as long as the fire burns... I’ll be chasing the sunset instead.